I'll try to fill in the blanks here. We are not currently raising any of our soon-to-be FOUR grandchildren. All of whom came to us from young, unwed mothers in just over two years. Talk about overwhelmed!
Throughout this journey we are still raising/homeschooling our three youngest. (17/15/13) Over the years they have suffered greatly for the decisions of their four older sisters. Our home has been overflowing with stress throughout the years. Being bombarded with grandchildren has been no exception.
At various times we have had different levels of involvement. Initially, one of the moms lived at home. She was very irresponsible and not a giving parent by any stretch of the means. We had to step in just to get the baby bathed. It was VERY frustrating and exhausting. She was inattentive and down right disgusting with her lack of cleanliness. She thought we should care for the baby and she should be able to run with her friends and not pay bills or work. It was NOT a good situation.
During this time I cared for her baby and one of our other grandbabies both full-time together. This was extremely stressful and exhausting. I had no time for anything. I was on the verge of a breakdown, I'm sure. Maybe I even had one...
The mom that was living at home with baby ended up moving out and ending up homeless. We had to strongly consider going after her for the baby. Through much prayer and counsel things worked out...so far. She is currently living with my step-sister and her family. She seems to be doing okay. We don't see her or the baby very often anymore. She's been very irresponsible, and we've come to terms with the fact that it is highly probable that the baby may end up with his father at some point. We think that would be a good thing.
The other grandbaby that I was caring for, her mom was renting a house from us. Well, her boyfriend is, if nothing else, an emotional/psycological abuser. He is toxic. He's ruined her credit and her self-esteem. We had a VERY BAD falling out. They took advantage of us for two years. Finally, we had to put our foot down. I don't watch the grandbaby anymore. We take her on occassion just to spend time with her and foster our relationship. It's been tough as we have helped raise her since birth. She just turned two in July.
The third grandbaby lives two states away. We don't know him too well, but we do see him a few times a year and "talk" to him on the phone sometimes. His mom moved out of state with her boyfriend and his family. It's been a year. Things aren't working out. Boyfriend can't hold a job and has backed out of his promises. She is managing at a McDonald's and starting at University tomorrow. She will be getting her own place soon.
The fourth grandbaby is due October 26th. Mom is completely irresponsible, immature and unaware of anything to do with parenting or caring for a baby. Dad is into drugs, and we are very worried. They were living with daughter of first grandbaby and took advantage of us financially right along with her. They just moved into an apartment about a week or so ago. I'm terrified of what's to come with them.
Throughout all of this we have learned at least one valuable lesson. There is a time and place where you MUST draw the line. You must be firm once a decision is made. Do anything to directly help your grandbabies, but make the parents grow and learn on their own. In all four instances it's the only thing that's worked for us.
Above all put your family that lives under your roof and still depends on you over and above anything or anyone else, and keep nurturing your relationship...if you're in one. My husband and I have really struggled through this. So, have our younger children. It has been tough all the way around.
We are learning and growing everyday. We have been disappointed, injured and blessed all at the same time. We love our grandbabies. We struggle with our relationships with their parents. It's a tough road to travel.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Motherhood...In the Meantime
Our lives take so many twists and turns it is a wonder we can ever be fully aware of where it is we are headed. Life has been full of curve balls for us lately. I have been feeling like one of those wind up toys that moves in one direction until it runs into something, then it turns in another direction until it runs into something, and so on. Raising children is certainly challenging and perplexing at times.
I was really enjoying life with the three youngest at home. We were having a lot of fun together. Then our boat was rocked...again. Somehow Pat and I need to draw some very obvious lines in our lives with our older children and reclaim our lives. We need to stop allowing their decisions to have an impact on the lives of ourselves and our younger children. Enough is enough.
We have sought the direction of those older and wiser than ourselves. It has helped us tremendously on an emotional and intellectual level. Unfortunately, our beloved counselor is moving to Tennessee next month. We had our last session last night. He has been such a God send for us. His instruction has had a wonderfully positive effect on our lives. God truly blessed us with him in such perfect timing.
Three months have passed since I originally wrote the above paragraphs. There have been many sleepless nights and shed tears. We are learning some valuable life lessons through the conduit of our four eldest children. The troubling aspect is that my life lessons always seem to come later rather than sooner. Will I ever catch on to what God is trying so desperately to teach me at a quicker pace? Will my learning curve ever tighten? I most certainly hope so!
Pat and I have been desperatly trying to be mindful. We have set boundaries...much to the dismay of a few children. Our delay in action has cost us both financially and emotionally as well as taxed our relationship with our older children. I've come to terms with the fact that it's just the way things need to be for now. Time will pass, and the dust will settle. We may or may not find our children and grandchildren in the debris. I have to be prepared for either outcome.
Yes, it sucks...but, any other mindset would be unhealthy at this present time. It is my prayer that we all grow through this turmoil and that our relationships will heal over time. In the meantime I will keep my family in prayer and continue to work on myself while I wait.
I was really enjoying life with the three youngest at home. We were having a lot of fun together. Then our boat was rocked...again. Somehow Pat and I need to draw some very obvious lines in our lives with our older children and reclaim our lives. We need to stop allowing their decisions to have an impact on the lives of ourselves and our younger children. Enough is enough.
We have sought the direction of those older and wiser than ourselves. It has helped us tremendously on an emotional and intellectual level. Unfortunately, our beloved counselor is moving to Tennessee next month. We had our last session last night. He has been such a God send for us. His instruction has had a wonderfully positive effect on our lives. God truly blessed us with him in such perfect timing.
Three months have passed since I originally wrote the above paragraphs. There have been many sleepless nights and shed tears. We are learning some valuable life lessons through the conduit of our four eldest children. The troubling aspect is that my life lessons always seem to come later rather than sooner. Will I ever catch on to what God is trying so desperately to teach me at a quicker pace? Will my learning curve ever tighten? I most certainly hope so!
Pat and I have been desperatly trying to be mindful. We have set boundaries...much to the dismay of a few children. Our delay in action has cost us both financially and emotionally as well as taxed our relationship with our older children. I've come to terms with the fact that it's just the way things need to be for now. Time will pass, and the dust will settle. We may or may not find our children and grandchildren in the debris. I have to be prepared for either outcome.
Yes, it sucks...but, any other mindset would be unhealthy at this present time. It is my prayer that we all grow through this turmoil and that our relationships will heal over time. In the meantime I will keep my family in prayer and continue to work on myself while I wait.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Breakthrough?
I have felt SO under attack lately. I MUST be headed for a breakthrough of some sort. What else could it be? It seems that every goal I have set for myself has been moved out of my reach. My whole year has been one trip up after another starting from the very beginning. It's very frustrating and difficult to not feel defeated. Despite this I trudge on.
My poor husband is struggling emotionally. We are in the Motor City, and he is a transmission mechanic. Need I say more? It's a dying business. He needs to find another means of making a living. This is all he's done his whole life. Talk about overwhelming and frightening. I feel for him, but I have no real brilliant ideas. I wish I did. You can believe that.
It is so difficult to watch someone you love struggle, be it in any manner. There is such a feeling of helplessness associated with such a view. The desire to help is almost overwhelming, yet helplessness endures. We are alone but for God in our situation. Our only solace is love and prayer.
We seem to do the "steps-forward and steps-back" dance with almost sheer precision. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds, yet one mere disagreement can send us speeding off track. Life truly becomes a train wreck. We have mastered our relationship in smooth sailing, but have yet to learn the art of closeness in the storm. Unfortunately, I believe that to mean we need more practice. Oh, happy day.
The economy and culture where we live are both in the toilet. It seems near impossible to raise moral children in a worldly environment. How do people do it? Do we really have any influence on the outcome? Of course, we must. It is difficult to see having raised FOUR daughters to get pregnant out of wedlock while still teens. One plus is that they did it after completing high school, but I would have loved to have children later so that I could have made some more educated choices for their rearing.
In a perfect world I would have never sent any of my children to public school. I would have homeschooled every last one of them. Oh, to have children that actually valued my wounds and could see the lessons in my scars. They frighten me. I would love to be moved away somewhere with a little distance so that everything was not so in my face.
The desire of distance between myself and my children may seem a little cold to some, but I think it would do us all some good. Having been reared in public school they've learned to let others do their thinking for them. Maybe if we were not so accessible they would learn to be free thinkers more quickly. Somehow they need to learn to provide life abundant for themselves.
My poor husband is struggling emotionally. We are in the Motor City, and he is a transmission mechanic. Need I say more? It's a dying business. He needs to find another means of making a living. This is all he's done his whole life. Talk about overwhelming and frightening. I feel for him, but I have no real brilliant ideas. I wish I did. You can believe that.
It is so difficult to watch someone you love struggle, be it in any manner. There is such a feeling of helplessness associated with such a view. The desire to help is almost overwhelming, yet helplessness endures. We are alone but for God in our situation. Our only solace is love and prayer.
We seem to do the "steps-forward and steps-back" dance with almost sheer precision. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds, yet one mere disagreement can send us speeding off track. Life truly becomes a train wreck. We have mastered our relationship in smooth sailing, but have yet to learn the art of closeness in the storm. Unfortunately, I believe that to mean we need more practice. Oh, happy day.
The economy and culture where we live are both in the toilet. It seems near impossible to raise moral children in a worldly environment. How do people do it? Do we really have any influence on the outcome? Of course, we must. It is difficult to see having raised FOUR daughters to get pregnant out of wedlock while still teens. One plus is that they did it after completing high school, but I would have loved to have children later so that I could have made some more educated choices for their rearing.
In a perfect world I would have never sent any of my children to public school. I would have homeschooled every last one of them. Oh, to have children that actually valued my wounds and could see the lessons in my scars. They frighten me. I would love to be moved away somewhere with a little distance so that everything was not so in my face.
The desire of distance between myself and my children may seem a little cold to some, but I think it would do us all some good. Having been reared in public school they've learned to let others do their thinking for them. Maybe if we were not so accessible they would learn to be free thinkers more quickly. Somehow they need to learn to provide life abundant for themselves.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
All Hallow's Eve
Over the years I have done quite a bit of research on this time of year and the American controversy over Halloween. I feel that so much of the spirituality, reverence and humble introspection has been lost through the process of Americanizing this reflective season. I have decided to create my own way of celebrating the change in weather.
As I become more in touch with my creative self I just cannot imagine a life void of creative outlets. How is it that I let myself go for so long without consciously creating, and what a disservice to myself and my family. Creativity is exhilarating!
Each year I plan to go back to the origins of Samhain, All Saints Day and the Day of the Dead. I plan to honor my ancestors. I will create in this time an opportunity for reflection, remembrance and celebration. I will not condone common Trick-or-Treating. I still cannot be okay with such an activity, but for safety's sake alone. I see no evil in this time of year and shake my head in dismay at those that do not know their own history.
As I become more in touch with my creative self I just cannot imagine a life void of creative outlets. How is it that I let myself go for so long without consciously creating, and what a disservice to myself and my family. Creativity is exhilarating!
Each year I plan to go back to the origins of Samhain, All Saints Day and the Day of the Dead. I plan to honor my ancestors. I will create in this time an opportunity for reflection, remembrance and celebration. I will not condone common Trick-or-Treating. I still cannot be okay with such an activity, but for safety's sake alone. I see no evil in this time of year and shake my head in dismay at those that do not know their own history.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
In the flow, or not in the flow? That is the question.
I think I must be experiencing another transition. Life seems to be on this continuous curving stream, and I never know what's around the next bend. My grandchild commitment is officially down to two days a week. This is allowing me "down" time.
Through this experience I seem to be going through de-babysitting, as observed by my best friend, relative to de-schooling. I can now officially relate to my children's desire to sit in front of the television all day, or stay in bed for hours, or not get dressed. I get it now. It's like your brain has to shift gears.
There are so many things that I both need and want to do. I just don't know where to start. Tomorrow is the official start of our new schedule. The kids have elected to get involved with this cool, local group called OHG. They are taking an ala carte of classes. Next Monday will be the start of our first full week with our new ambitions.
Since my commitment to grandchildren has lessened I have decided to make one-on-one time for each child. It is long over due and should prove to be more interesting than the way we have been doing things over the past year. The kids seem to be excited about our new plans.
Unschooling seems to come more and more natural to me, but I do still worry. The thing is I don't think it would be any different no matter our scholastic style of choice. Where my current focus has been currently is on mindful parenting. It seems to go hand in hand with unschooling and a natural part of the process.
I have managed to read some information on the subject and idea of mindful parenting and belong to some email lists that reinforce my efforts. It is SO important to immerse yourself in something that you seriously want to adopt as a part of your life. I have successfully moved away from discipline, and I can see the positive effects of trusting my children. The real challenge is training my brain to think differently.
I was raised in a very non-mindful parenting kind of way. Honestly, I think my mom could have been an unschooler if she had known anything about it. In certain ways it would have been natural to her. Where she dropped the ball was the relationship aspect. She never really disciplined me in any real way, but she never really parented me in that area either. Hence, I had no real example of parenting growing up. When you have nothing to refer to personally it makes parenting yourself a little more challenging.
Unfortunately, I fell to the traditional parenting style with my four older children thinking that was where my mom went wrong with me. BOY! Hard lesson learned with casualty relationships to prove it. What a better life we could have if we would just learn to trust ourselves from the beginning and attract positive people into our lives. There would be so much less to clean up later. Life truly would be easier for ourselves and those we love.
Through this experience I seem to be going through de-babysitting, as observed by my best friend, relative to de-schooling. I can now officially relate to my children's desire to sit in front of the television all day, or stay in bed for hours, or not get dressed. I get it now. It's like your brain has to shift gears.
There are so many things that I both need and want to do. I just don't know where to start. Tomorrow is the official start of our new schedule. The kids have elected to get involved with this cool, local group called OHG. They are taking an ala carte of classes. Next Monday will be the start of our first full week with our new ambitions.
Since my commitment to grandchildren has lessened I have decided to make one-on-one time for each child. It is long over due and should prove to be more interesting than the way we have been doing things over the past year. The kids seem to be excited about our new plans.
Unschooling seems to come more and more natural to me, but I do still worry. The thing is I don't think it would be any different no matter our scholastic style of choice. Where my current focus has been currently is on mindful parenting. It seems to go hand in hand with unschooling and a natural part of the process.
I have managed to read some information on the subject and idea of mindful parenting and belong to some email lists that reinforce my efforts. It is SO important to immerse yourself in something that you seriously want to adopt as a part of your life. I have successfully moved away from discipline, and I can see the positive effects of trusting my children. The real challenge is training my brain to think differently.
I was raised in a very non-mindful parenting kind of way. Honestly, I think my mom could have been an unschooler if she had known anything about it. In certain ways it would have been natural to her. Where she dropped the ball was the relationship aspect. She never really disciplined me in any real way, but she never really parented me in that area either. Hence, I had no real example of parenting growing up. When you have nothing to refer to personally it makes parenting yourself a little more challenging.
Unfortunately, I fell to the traditional parenting style with my four older children thinking that was where my mom went wrong with me. BOY! Hard lesson learned with casualty relationships to prove it. What a better life we could have if we would just learn to trust ourselves from the beginning and attract positive people into our lives. There would be so much less to clean up later. Life truly would be easier for ourselves and those we love.
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