Trying to Focus

To be honest I haven't gotten it together much since my last post.  I just put in one of my co-op orders.  It included a one pound bag of hot cocoa.  So, there's still hope.  Seems I'm anticipating this coming winter like I used to look forward to summer.  I am not alone in my longing this year.  Bella has been asking when it will snow again ever since spring began.  A girl after my own heart!

I have some changes in mind that have little to do with our homeschool and more to do with the sanity that comes along with a life more savored than rushed through.  This mindset is bound to effect our approach to education, but for now the planning of our academics remains the same.

We live about 20 minutes from everywhere.  In this diligent planning of excursions is of high importance so as to not waste time or money.  Years ago when it was just us and the first seven children in The Crew I did my grocery shopping once per month.  It's been on my mind to switch to that again.  The funny thing is that I kept that shopping format when we lived in the city where good shopping and frequent sales were plentiful.  It was just nice to knock it out once a month and not have to think about shopping for a few weeks rather than heading out every Sunday, the worst day to shop, gathering up our supplies for the week.  Also, we had a nice produce market within walking distance.  It made replacing perishables on an as needed basis very easy.  This time around we do not have such a convenience.  Where we are now, convenience costs more than I'm willing to pay most times, and it doesn't include anything fresh.  So, I've been giving this some thought.  Maybe once every three weeks would be more realistic.  I'll really have to figure this out soon since I want to get this started next month.

There are SO MANY benefits of shopping monthly as opposed to weekly, or even bi-weekly.  The biggest for me is the savings.  It also teaches you patience and learning to "make do"; the real essence of truly being thrifty.  We can be much more productive around the homestead when the bulk of our time is spent here.  There's time for games, spontaneous creativity, movie nights, baking together, and on and on.  Ultimately, I hope to use my time in the effort of food preservation, cooking ahead, pursuing my writing course, and working more on my love for photography.  Not to mention the natural health course I purchased nearly two years, yes that's YEARS, ago and never even opened yet.

We'll be learning how to over winter animals for the first time this year.  This is our first time ever, like in our whole lives, raising livestock.  We have chickens and sheep now.  Our oldest female is expecting sometime next month, and we're anxiously awaiting the new experiences a new lamb will bring to the homestead.  With the winters we've had these past two years I am a bit anxious about what caring for these critters will entail.  That's a huge change, going out side every.single.day no matter the weather.  Negative 30 can be really brutal.  Keeping them fed, watered, and sheltered will be a chore, I'm sure.  We are, however, enjoying the dynamic they being to our lives despite the work they require.  There is something to be said about raising your own food.

That brings me to the next thing I hope to achieve this winter.  Garden plans!  I managed to grow a little bit of food this year.  I did get 50+ bags of zucchini shredded up and put in the freezer, and we enjoyed the fresh cucumbers.  However, the chickens have managed to destroy the last of my cukes and are working at my tomato plants.  Jerks!  It's my fault.  I know.  All summer they left my small garden alone.  It's the old flower beds around our front porch.  That is, until I picked four zucchini and forgot to bring them in.  Seeing them laying there was just too much temptation for them to resist, apparently.  Ever since then I have been shooing them off the front porch and out of my vegetables.  UGH!

Next year we plan to have at least a few raised beds built with a fence erected around them to protect our food from the vultures, er uh chickens.  I've been drooling my way through my seed catalog and dreaming of the different things I'd like to grow next year.  I'm hoping my mom with partner with me in this project.  God blessed her with two green thumbs, and a couple of toes I think.  She plans to retire after her birthday in March.  Would be SO AWESOME to have her around more.  There are many, many things we can learn from her.  She's a work horse and would not be thwarted as easily as I when it comes to canning pickles on the hottest day of summer or braving the mosquitoes and humidity to harvest the bumper berry crop in the woods.  She has a way of keeping me moving forward.

Come to think of it, too bad she can't come over and get me motivated.  There are so many things eating at me right now.  I have not finished our school plan for this year, and we are slated to start in just a week and a half.  Then there's the housework.  I really wanted to do some deep cleaning.  My windows look like they've never been cleaned, and there are cobwebs giving birth to more cobwebs in the corners.  Oh, and the books!  I did make a lot of progress with my collection, but there is still more to be done.  How I dream of a fully cataloged library.  Key word dream!

So...

How am I dealing with this jumbled up conglomeration of dreams, wants, and needs that keep tripping me up on my course to a peaceful and prepared start to our new school year?  Sometimes it feels like I'm not, but I know that isn't true.

I've been giving myself A LOT of grace.  We are often times more hard on ourselves than anyone else, so it is appropriate to be the first in line to cut ourselves some slack.  We shouldn't expect perfection from ourselves anymore than anyone else should.  So, why do we do that?  I am actively trying to quit using the word lazy in reference to myself.  I am not lazy.  Repeat.  I am not lazy!  I am tired, overwhelmed, pressured, and a lot of other things, but I know that I am not lazy.  That negative self talk needs to hit the highway.

I make my morning studies a priority.  I have a collection of small books and bible studies that I like to start my day out with.  It helps a great deal to put my mind in the right place before I begin my day.  When my mind is more on Christ and less on my struggles it helps my feet to be firmly planted facing the direction they should be when I step out to face what lies before me each day.  Being grounded means something totally different to me as an adult.  It's a good thing.

I lean on a friend...or two.  Good friends are a real blessing, and I am thankful to count for myself a few.  It's so nice to have at least one person that will tell you like it is; set you straight when your thinking gets skewed.  Sometimes we just need to vent, or we need to run something past someone before we can more forward, especially when it comes to the challenges of life.  I'm willing to bet that most everyone faces difficulties and trials that they never could have imagined they would in their entire life.  Having at least one good friend that you can trust to protect your heart and guard your soul is more valuable than any earthly possession we could have.  Don't be afraid to learn on someone when times are challenging.

I enlist professional, or not so professional, help.  Maybe someone comes and watches the kids so I can take a day to myself.  Maybe I seek the advice of a therapist.  Maybe I get a massage.  Maybe I hire someone to clean my home a time or two.  Maybe I hire a local teen to do garden work or help me organize.  This falls in the realm of grace as well.  Sometimes we don't want to spend our time or resources on someone's help.  Sometimes we feel we don't have time to take off to take care of ourselves.  Let me remind you of the airplane and the oxygen mask.  Enough said.

I throw out the routine and change the plans.  Well, not every day, but here and there when we need to.  Sometimes the time is just right, and I allow myself to go with the flow.  Those are the best days!  No stressing over what wasn't done.  No worrying about falling behind.  Behind what?  Exactly!  No worries, period.  Just go with it.  Those are the times that make memories and rejuvenate the soul.

Now, I am going to go finish preparing dinner.  I am not going to worry or stress over the things weighing on my shoulders.  I am going to be present in the moment, do what I can, and take life moment by moment.  I will do what I can as I am able.

No worries.

Here Comes the Next Phase

I have been thinking about this post for months now, and I am still finding the exact words elusive. Please bear with me as I sort my thoughts. It really is amazing how life goes. We start out so pure and innocent with these great plans and ambitions. I have always been such an idealist. It has never been much of a challenge for me to see the good in people. In my mind things always work out. That is just the way it is.

Given everything I have been through I find it no real surprise where I find myself today. Is it the way I planned things? Of course not. Plans are quite silly, really. Honestly, who do we think we are anyway? The course of our life is not up to us. God is in control, and the sooner we learn that the better. Do I understand His plan? Not at all, but that is okay. I am glad to not have the responsibility that would encompass. Playing my part is challenging enough. I can handle no more than one step at a time.

My life has seen much pain and many disappointments. It has also provided many lessons, miracles, and accomplishments. Everything is all a matter of perspective anyway. The less time we spend wondering what others think and the more time we spend putting one foot in front of the other the better. Things always look better if we are focusing in the right spot. If only I could have learned that lesson years ago.

It seems it took the recent turn of events to bring this lesson into full perspective. I spent a couple of months processing, praying, and healing. It was the most paralyzing bout of depression I think I have ever had, but it may have been the most productive. I have honestly never experienced anything quite like it. I really did feel paralyzed. It was a frustrating spot to be, that is until I embraced it. Once I recognized that I was right where I needed to be the healing began, and progress moved in. It was an awesome experience.

When we are feeling depressed we always want to do something about it, and that just may not be the way to go. Numbing out feelings and emotions with prescription drugs can most often prove counter productive, in my humble opinion. I would venture to guess that we have the feelings we have when we have them so that we can learn something from them. If we numb them out, how on earth will we ever learn and grow? It has been my experience that it is best to embrace our circumstances and open our hearts and minds to guidance and growth.

Back in July, when I was in the thick of VBS planning and preparation, my husband and I learned that our youngest daughter, our remaining beacon of hope for all things dreamed and wished for in a successful daughter, had joined the ranks of her older sisters. She was now uneducated, single, and pregnant. Talk about a shocker. July was to be the month that we made our first OB/GYN appointment. This daughter was a virgin, or so we thought. Fortunately, we had some time to process this information before she sat down and talked with us herself.

Honestly, she was in a state of panic, and we were in a state of shock. We had known there was something quite wrong for a few months, but we were unable to crack the case. It was obvious to me that she was depressed, but not so obvious why. I had attributed it to the recent breakup of her and her boyfriend, her failing grades at school, and some other poor decision making she had been doing in relation to finances. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It seems there had been a momentary lapse of judgment during the two-month breakup of her and said boyfriend that culminated in a "one night stand" and about 10 positive pregnancy tests. This child set into panic mode and was bent on moving out of the house rather than dealing with the situation head on. Finally, after some strong encouragement from the sister she was to move in with, she stepped up and talked to us. An unexpected journey was unfolding before us. We had no idea where we were headed.

What set in for me was an unrealized bout of depression. Really, I think all three of us, (my daughter, my husband, and myself), sat in depression for some time. I finished out VBS without being able to deal with anything. Any of you that have ever done VBS knows how consuming it is the week it is going on. When VBS wrapped up we started taking baby steps.

The first thing I did was take our daughter to see a woman at a crisis pregnancy center. She talked to us about the dangers of abortion from a much experienced position. It was an emotionally draining day for me. It became obvious to me that this child was terrified of her situation so much so that she was actually considering abortion. What came out of my mouth was a shock to me, "I will promise you right now that if you do not abort this baby I will raise it." Who knew I would be that desperate to have my daughter not kill my grandchild? Through conversation, I learned that she didn't really want an abortion. She was scared, and she was not ready to raise a baby.

The next step was to visit an adoption agency. She was interested in placing the baby through an open adoption. We made an appointment and drove a few cities away to an agency that was recommended through the crisis pregnancy center. We talked with the lady, and she made it clear, "This is not your decision. This is your daughter's decision." Well, duh? BUT, we are a family, and we do rely on each other. In the end she just didn't sit well with either of us. Our daughter was not in this alone. We were facing this head on, together.

I searched and searched for information. I learned that there are people out there that were placed through open adoption that are very unhappy and against the system. I learned that there are alternatives. I prayed. I searched. I prayed. I searched. I prayed, and I searched some more. I checked out books from the library and dug through the internet. There is a never ending supply of information on the subject, but it does require some digging through.

One thing that kept tripping me up is that I just could not get comfortable with the idea of adoption. When I expressed this to my husband he said, "We may not agree, but we have to be supportive." I did not say too much after that, but I kept praying and researching. I talked to friends that have adopted. I spoke to good friends about people they knew that were looking to adopt. Still nothing felt right. Then, when my husband spoke with our daughter on his own, and she told him she wanted to place the baby for open adoption, he had to fight back tears. This was when he knew it was not so okay with him either.

Where we were led next was, what we thought, just crazy. We questioned God and each other over and over. Did we really want to do this? Were we really considering adopting our grandchild? Did we really want to raise another child right at a time when we were actively viewing our empty nest? Our youngest is just getting ready to turn 16. What on earth were we thinking? Were we crazy? Are we crazy?

Well, it is impossible to say no to the prompting of God and the calling of your heart. Through some loving guidance and challenges to my moral stance I was prompted to search through the Bible on the subject of adoption, and it just cleared it up for me even more. This was the right thing to do. This baby is family no matter his origin. He needs to know his roots as best he can and have a sense of belonging and position in this world. He needs to know that his family cares and wants the very best for him. We were prepared to offer just that, and we made our feelings known to our daughter. She said the most mature thing I had heard out of any of our young ladies in a long time, "Can I take a week to think about it?" Of course we were elated. We had just had the most productive conversation we had quite possibly ever had with any of our daughters, and it ended on a positive note with a mature direction.

In the week that followed I took our daughter to see a friend of the family that does some alternative therapy. It seemed to have gone well, and she took the time she needed to process. Then, I'll never forget the day that I came home from some morning errands and found a note on my planner. My stomach did a few flips. I have a couple of children that like to communicate through letters when they have something big to deal with. She is one of them. I had company, but I couldn't help but read the letter right then. I just had to know what she had to say. Was I going to be a mother again, or did I have to find it in myself to let this baby go? Where were we heading from here?

When I was reading the letter I found myself impressed with the thought she had put in to expressing what it was she needed and where her limitations lied. The bottom line was that she wants my husband and myself to adopt her baby. I actually found myself giddy, in the words of my husband, and it was a shock to me. I still couldn't believe that I was getting excited about raising another child. What was I thinking? But, what an opportunity!

Now it was time to include the boys. Shortly after reading the letter and talking together my husband and I sat down with our two boys, almost 16 and 18 years old. It is important to us that they feel free to ask questions and get answers through this entire process. Both boys were okay with the idea much to my surprise. Honestly, I really was not sure what to expect, but I have to say I was a little surprise at their acceptance of the situation. The almost 18 year old is actually excited about the idea and thinks it is "cool". What more can we ask for?

After our conversation with the boys, that left the older girls. I spoke with two of them via the telephone. They asked questions, and we discussed different issues. They still cannot believe that we are going to have another child, but they are happy as well. The two oldest girls came over for dinner on a Sunday afternoon. We spoke then. Our oldest daughter was very excited that there had been a solution that would allow the baby to remain in the family. All in all everyone seems to be having fun with the idea. We will see what we think about it when we are in the thick of two a.m. feedings and diaper changes. (BWG)

Of course, we still need to take care of the legalities of the matter. There are some sensitive issues that need to be addressed. Our daughter will be moving out a couple weeks before the baby is due. In the mean time we need to create a birth plan. Praise God we were led to an amazing doctor right in our neighborhood. She has experience in these types of situations and is completely open to working with us. Our daughter is in good health. The baby is progressing well. At the ultrasound last week we learned that he is a boy. Hubby was VERY happy about that.

Right now we are taking it day by day. We are learning how to communicate better, creating a birth plan, preparing for a daughter to move out, and a son to come in to our life. This whole thing could not have been more unexpected, but we are happy and blessed. I have had this strong desire to do mission work. What I am learning now is that my mission is at home with my family. This is where I am needed. Home is where I need to share the love of Christ. God has planted me here for such a time as this.