Freedom in Definition

Recently I learned that I fit into a category.  Typically I am not one for labels, but I did find this a bit interesting; even a little freeing to a certain extent.  Never in a million years could I have ever imagined all the drastic twists and turns I would travel through traversing the road of my life.  I especially could have never begun to guess that there would even be a few corkscrews along the way.  Who knew, right?

Years ago I looked forward to this stage of my life with great anticipation.  It was going to be a time to reclaim my childhood.  I would explore what it truly meant to be me.  Maybe I would volunteer full-time for a local organization I wholeheartedly believed in.  Maybe I would continue my education.  I've always wanted to learn photography "for real".  Surely I would have plenty of time to really invest in my relationship with each of my grandchildren.

The first hairpin turn was our decision to adopt.  Okay. So we're raising one kid all on his own.  So what?   We raised seven already.  What's one?  It was like a vacation those first couple years; a breath of fresh air.  Then, the best fur buddy I ever had died, we moved, and we started becoming aware that things were going to dramatically change again.

Suddenly the track shot up, the cars turned upside down, and we pulled out the other side with two more children in our car.  This meant lots of changes, big emotions, and slow adjustments for everyone.  Our slow acclimation to becoming a homeschooling family again quickly turned into a quick dive into the deep waters head first.  The water was cold and shocking, but you know the story.  We adjusted.

I have never been a traditional homeschooler.  For a while I considered myself very much an unschooler.  This time around it seemed smartest to implement a full curriculum.  We started our fully anticipating using this curriculum through graduation.  It's perfect, covers everything important to us, and takes a huge load off of my shoulders in the planning department.  As the completion of this first year started to come into view on the horizon I prepared to purchase the next level.  Well, I hesitated.  I read what was next, and I just wasn't so sure we really needed to do it that way anymore.  You see, my favorite aspect of homeschooling is FREEDOM.  I LOVE IT!!!

Spring is coming.  There is so much for us to learn together.  We will be starting seeds, planning a garden, preparing to raise animals, building structures, manicuring our woods more, landscaping, camping, and I have a TON of educational supplies already (like any good homeschooling veteran would).  So, why not use what I have?

Enter me learning exactly who I am educationally speaking.  I had to take a brief demographic survey that required me to choose specifically what type of homeschooling family we are.  I had no clue.  Like I said, I don't concern myself with labels and categories when it comes to this type of thing.  Because, in all honesty, does it really matter?  I don't think so.  However, as soon as I looked up "eclectic" and read this:

"An Eclectic Homeschooler is one who looks at the different approaches and methods of homeschooling and takes from each forming his own unique philosophy."

...I knew it defined my style exactly.  Slowly, I have determined that it is now okay to ease back into our more relaxed approach to education.  Our resident elementary student is still warming to the idea that grade level is irrelevant, and grades are arbitrary, but she's getting there.  Taking what I consider a more "whole-life" approach to education will help her to lose some more of her guard and open up to becoming a more relaxed learner.  It is exciting to me!

Yes, being eclectic means a little more work on my part, but I really think I'm ready for it now.  I have the materials at my fingertips.  I need to purchase nothing.  So, why not?  This next year is looking much more inviting to me and even a little more easy.  I have been lamenting the fact that I have two preschoolers and an elementary student; not an easy mix.  With my new found freedom it will be much easier to cater to the individual needs and interests of each child.  I like preschool.  Now, I will be able to enjoy it more.  Therefor the kids will certainly have much more fun.

Does this mean we will never use curriculum again?  I certainly have my doubts.  However, it does mean we have found our niche.  We are grabbing life by the reigns and fully embracing the family we have become.  We know who we are, and we are running with it.

Brace Yourself!

That's what I'm doing right now. January is going to come in like a lion for me. There is SO MUCH on my To Do List that it can get intimidating at times. I feel a bit overburdened, but I know I am not alone. Thank God for prayer! I sincerely do not know how I would make it through life if I did not have prayer. The older I get the more important my relationship with God becomes. I have grown so much closer to Him in my 30's...only one year left for me in that decade. I am so thankful that God is always there for us no matter what. What a blessing!

As January approaches I find myself in preparation mode. Avery will be here by February, and there is so much to do in the meantime. Today, I updated and paid the bills. The other biggie on my agenda is to get as much done for the lawyer as I can. All of the paperwork and documents need to be in place before Avery is born so that the paperwork can be filed upon his birth.

Tomorrow I plan to get started on the 2009 tax preparations. I figured it was a good idea to get as much of that as possible out of the way before I have a newborn under my wing. I know my days will look a lot different in just a few short weeks. I find myself wondering what kind of baby he will be. Will he be content? (I pray so!) Will he be fussy? Will he like to be held? Will he want to be rocked? Will he have dark skin and hair? Will his eyes be brown? How much will he weigh? Will he take to the bottle easy? Oh my, the questions go on and on.

Wednesday is my day to shop for our family Christmas celebration. We always celebrate on December 31st from NOON to 4PM. This year we are having a soup, salad, and baked potato bar. It should be nice, and simple. That's what we were going for; simple. I'll need to shop for the produce and make my soup ahead of time. Also, that is the day that Adrian and I are going to lunch at Ike's and to a movie. That is his Christmas present to me. I always enjoy hanging out with him.

Thursday we celebrate Christmas with family, then in the evening we celebrate the New Year with the boys and our good friends. Harmony may even be staying the night. We'll see about that one. I haven't decided yet, but she'll likely end up here. She can barely go a week without a Nana and Papa fix!

As we get into January there will be Christmas decorations to put away, things to clean, our daughter moving out, furniture to move around, a room to paint and prepare for Avery, and a lot of shopping to do. I have been waiting to buy things like diapers, bottles and formula. There is so much to consider in their purchase. In the middle of January I will be attending a diaper class through No Pins Required. They are based out of Ferndale which is about 20 minutes from my home. Yes, I am actually considering cloth diapers. They have come such a long way, and they are so economical compared to disposable. We'll see where this adventure leads.

Fortunately, I have my mom coming to help me the week after Christmas. We'll likely do some cleaning and moving of furniture. Then, after our daughter moves out my best gal pal will be coming down to help me prepare Avery's bedroom. Currently we have a bassinet in our room for him, but I know he won't be in that long. I think it will be nice if I am able to have everything set up and waiting for him. Less stress is good by me.

Speaking of stress, my poor hubby has been under a lot for the past couple of months. I know he is real frustrated with personnel type issues at the shop. It seems he will have no choice but to fire and hire. That is such a tough spot to be in, especially when friends are involved. Unfortunately, he seems to have no choice. I just keep praying for wisdom and guidance for him. I know that God works in mysterious ways, and experience has shown that something much greater typically lies on the other side of tough decisions and situations.

A lot is going to change around the Smith Household during January. I am sure there will be blessings and challenges. That's what life is made of, it seems. I am reminded of the Bible verse I have hanging on a tile above my stove, "...rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance , perseverance character, and character hope..." Romans 5:3 I don't see life as all suffering, but I have learned to see the blessing in suffering. I am thankful for my trials, as that is when I learn and grow. It really is a beautiful thing.

It is my prayer to you that in this New Year you will find the blessings in your struggles and rejoice knowing that there is always hope. Have a richly, blessed 2010!

Old Tanenbaum

Christmas just isn't Christmas without a real Christmas tree. This statement comes from my husband. In the 13 years of our relationship this has always been a strong point of disagreement. I now find myself really struggling to honor his real tree Christmas fantasy fulfillment for yet another Smith Family Christmas. I have been pondering this point all evening, and I am still in conflict.

This year is exceptionally challenging in the "having enough time" department. Apparently my Wonder Woman Cape has mysteriously been donated to charity, because it is nowhere to be found. I spent the first part of November sick with a bad cold for about 11 days and recovered just in time to pull off Thanksgiving. Then, this past Tuesday I suddenly came down with a very bad cold/flu type thing that I actually suspected to be H1N1. I stuck with my natural remedies and chiropractic care and accepted the five day grounding to my room. Needless to say between these two illnesses I have fallen completely off course in regard to preparing for Avery and preparing for Christmas, and both are right around the corner. Quite literally.

With so much to do that now includes catching up on my normal household duties, the November and October month-end bookkeeping for the shop, updating the bills, locating a counselor to assist us through our family adoption process, securing all the documents and paperwork for the adoption, preparing our house for the home visits related to the adoption, and all of my holiday baking, gift making, shopping, and wrapping seriously just how important is a real tree? The actual pivotal point for me was when I found out hubby is going to go hunting one more time after telling me that he would be home next weekend. See, this means that I get to do it all by myself AGAIN. Somehow, gathering the tree, setting it up, caring for it, cleaning up after it, decorating it, undecorating it, taking it down, and disposing of it are all my responsibility. Hubby NEVER helps aside from actually putting it into the stand...sometimes. The rest of that list is all me with the occasional child helper; which is getting less and less the older they get.

Finally, I had visions of a family day together decorating the home and putting up the tree coming to fruition this coming Sabbath. What a beautiful way to spend the day, right? I could live with the beast of a chore making tree if it was a fun family day. However, my vision disappeared like a movie tape in the heads of an old, dirty VHS player when hubby let me know that he was going to go hunting again one day next weekend. Of course, he has no idea which day. This man knows nothing of planning. Can you say, "AHHHH!"

My defiant, independent self wants to just chuck everything and not have a tree. Well, I know the revolt that would come from that one, so the next best thing in my book is a good old-fashioned fake tree. My ideal? A 4-foot tree on an end table covered by a pretty, white sheet in front of the window. Totally works for me. Easy up. Easy down. No muss. No fuss.

Any opinions?

Here Comes the Next Phase

I have been thinking about this post for months now, and I am still finding the exact words elusive. Please bear with me as I sort my thoughts. It really is amazing how life goes. We start out so pure and innocent with these great plans and ambitions. I have always been such an idealist. It has never been much of a challenge for me to see the good in people. In my mind things always work out. That is just the way it is.

Given everything I have been through I find it no real surprise where I find myself today. Is it the way I planned things? Of course not. Plans are quite silly, really. Honestly, who do we think we are anyway? The course of our life is not up to us. God is in control, and the sooner we learn that the better. Do I understand His plan? Not at all, but that is okay. I am glad to not have the responsibility that would encompass. Playing my part is challenging enough. I can handle no more than one step at a time.

My life has seen much pain and many disappointments. It has also provided many lessons, miracles, and accomplishments. Everything is all a matter of perspective anyway. The less time we spend wondering what others think and the more time we spend putting one foot in front of the other the better. Things always look better if we are focusing in the right spot. If only I could have learned that lesson years ago.

It seems it took the recent turn of events to bring this lesson into full perspective. I spent a couple of months processing, praying, and healing. It was the most paralyzing bout of depression I think I have ever had, but it may have been the most productive. I have honestly never experienced anything quite like it. I really did feel paralyzed. It was a frustrating spot to be, that is until I embraced it. Once I recognized that I was right where I needed to be the healing began, and progress moved in. It was an awesome experience.

When we are feeling depressed we always want to do something about it, and that just may not be the way to go. Numbing out feelings and emotions with prescription drugs can most often prove counter productive, in my humble opinion. I would venture to guess that we have the feelings we have when we have them so that we can learn something from them. If we numb them out, how on earth will we ever learn and grow? It has been my experience that it is best to embrace our circumstances and open our hearts and minds to guidance and growth.

Back in July, when I was in the thick of VBS planning and preparation, my husband and I learned that our youngest daughter, our remaining beacon of hope for all things dreamed and wished for in a successful daughter, had joined the ranks of her older sisters. She was now uneducated, single, and pregnant. Talk about a shocker. July was to be the month that we made our first OB/GYN appointment. This daughter was a virgin, or so we thought. Fortunately, we had some time to process this information before she sat down and talked with us herself.

Honestly, she was in a state of panic, and we were in a state of shock. We had known there was something quite wrong for a few months, but we were unable to crack the case. It was obvious to me that she was depressed, but not so obvious why. I had attributed it to the recent breakup of her and her boyfriend, her failing grades at school, and some other poor decision making she had been doing in relation to finances. I couldn't have been more wrong.

It seems there had been a momentary lapse of judgment during the two-month breakup of her and said boyfriend that culminated in a "one night stand" and about 10 positive pregnancy tests. This child set into panic mode and was bent on moving out of the house rather than dealing with the situation head on. Finally, after some strong encouragement from the sister she was to move in with, she stepped up and talked to us. An unexpected journey was unfolding before us. We had no idea where we were headed.

What set in for me was an unrealized bout of depression. Really, I think all three of us, (my daughter, my husband, and myself), sat in depression for some time. I finished out VBS without being able to deal with anything. Any of you that have ever done VBS knows how consuming it is the week it is going on. When VBS wrapped up we started taking baby steps.

The first thing I did was take our daughter to see a woman at a crisis pregnancy center. She talked to us about the dangers of abortion from a much experienced position. It was an emotionally draining day for me. It became obvious to me that this child was terrified of her situation so much so that she was actually considering abortion. What came out of my mouth was a shock to me, "I will promise you right now that if you do not abort this baby I will raise it." Who knew I would be that desperate to have my daughter not kill my grandchild? Through conversation, I learned that she didn't really want an abortion. She was scared, and she was not ready to raise a baby.

The next step was to visit an adoption agency. She was interested in placing the baby through an open adoption. We made an appointment and drove a few cities away to an agency that was recommended through the crisis pregnancy center. We talked with the lady, and she made it clear, "This is not your decision. This is your daughter's decision." Well, duh? BUT, we are a family, and we do rely on each other. In the end she just didn't sit well with either of us. Our daughter was not in this alone. We were facing this head on, together.

I searched and searched for information. I learned that there are people out there that were placed through open adoption that are very unhappy and against the system. I learned that there are alternatives. I prayed. I searched. I prayed. I searched. I prayed, and I searched some more. I checked out books from the library and dug through the internet. There is a never ending supply of information on the subject, but it does require some digging through.

One thing that kept tripping me up is that I just could not get comfortable with the idea of adoption. When I expressed this to my husband he said, "We may not agree, but we have to be supportive." I did not say too much after that, but I kept praying and researching. I talked to friends that have adopted. I spoke to good friends about people they knew that were looking to adopt. Still nothing felt right. Then, when my husband spoke with our daughter on his own, and she told him she wanted to place the baby for open adoption, he had to fight back tears. This was when he knew it was not so okay with him either.

Where we were led next was, what we thought, just crazy. We questioned God and each other over and over. Did we really want to do this? Were we really considering adopting our grandchild? Did we really want to raise another child right at a time when we were actively viewing our empty nest? Our youngest is just getting ready to turn 16. What on earth were we thinking? Were we crazy? Are we crazy?

Well, it is impossible to say no to the prompting of God and the calling of your heart. Through some loving guidance and challenges to my moral stance I was prompted to search through the Bible on the subject of adoption, and it just cleared it up for me even more. This was the right thing to do. This baby is family no matter his origin. He needs to know his roots as best he can and have a sense of belonging and position in this world. He needs to know that his family cares and wants the very best for him. We were prepared to offer just that, and we made our feelings known to our daughter. She said the most mature thing I had heard out of any of our young ladies in a long time, "Can I take a week to think about it?" Of course we were elated. We had just had the most productive conversation we had quite possibly ever had with any of our daughters, and it ended on a positive note with a mature direction.

In the week that followed I took our daughter to see a friend of the family that does some alternative therapy. It seemed to have gone well, and she took the time she needed to process. Then, I'll never forget the day that I came home from some morning errands and found a note on my planner. My stomach did a few flips. I have a couple of children that like to communicate through letters when they have something big to deal with. She is one of them. I had company, but I couldn't help but read the letter right then. I just had to know what she had to say. Was I going to be a mother again, or did I have to find it in myself to let this baby go? Where were we heading from here?

When I was reading the letter I found myself impressed with the thought she had put in to expressing what it was she needed and where her limitations lied. The bottom line was that she wants my husband and myself to adopt her baby. I actually found myself giddy, in the words of my husband, and it was a shock to me. I still couldn't believe that I was getting excited about raising another child. What was I thinking? But, what an opportunity!

Now it was time to include the boys. Shortly after reading the letter and talking together my husband and I sat down with our two boys, almost 16 and 18 years old. It is important to us that they feel free to ask questions and get answers through this entire process. Both boys were okay with the idea much to my surprise. Honestly, I really was not sure what to expect, but I have to say I was a little surprise at their acceptance of the situation. The almost 18 year old is actually excited about the idea and thinks it is "cool". What more can we ask for?

After our conversation with the boys, that left the older girls. I spoke with two of them via the telephone. They asked questions, and we discussed different issues. They still cannot believe that we are going to have another child, but they are happy as well. The two oldest girls came over for dinner on a Sunday afternoon. We spoke then. Our oldest daughter was very excited that there had been a solution that would allow the baby to remain in the family. All in all everyone seems to be having fun with the idea. We will see what we think about it when we are in the thick of two a.m. feedings and diaper changes. (BWG)

Of course, we still need to take care of the legalities of the matter. There are some sensitive issues that need to be addressed. Our daughter will be moving out a couple weeks before the baby is due. In the mean time we need to create a birth plan. Praise God we were led to an amazing doctor right in our neighborhood. She has experience in these types of situations and is completely open to working with us. Our daughter is in good health. The baby is progressing well. At the ultrasound last week we learned that he is a boy. Hubby was VERY happy about that.

Right now we are taking it day by day. We are learning how to communicate better, creating a birth plan, preparing for a daughter to move out, and a son to come in to our life. This whole thing could not have been more unexpected, but we are happy and blessed. I have had this strong desire to do mission work. What I am learning now is that my mission is at home with my family. This is where I am needed. Home is where I need to share the love of Christ. God has planted me here for such a time as this.