Keeping it Together

We're all human.  We have bad days.  We may have even had bad weeks, months, or even years.  Life is not always perfect that is why it is so important to grab the good moments, days, weeks, months, and years and soak them for all they're worth.  There will always be challenges, struggles, and obstacles to overcome.  If there weren't, how would we grow and learn?  Though uncomfortable, adversity offers opportunity; opportunity to grow closer to God, opportunity to know ourselves better, opportunity to get to know those around us better, opportunity to get better acquainted with our community, and opportunity to share with others.

If you are one of those people, like me, that have faced large challenge after large challenge, and dare I say see no real end in sight, it is worth the introspect to determine just how it is you face the hurdles that appear in your path.  What do you normally do when the going gets tough?  Is it working for you?  Is there something you could do better?  Are you taking care of yourself?  Is your focus on the right thing?

When I am feeling defeated and overrun (or run over) with life's challenges, the first thing I do is pray.  God can handle anything we dish out.  He's a big God.  He's tough like that.  The bible says to "pray without ceasing".

Right now, I feel as though I am drowning in resources and wish I had a little cabin in my woods I could retreat to in order to sort out all this information I have at my fingertips, clear my head, and return with a solid plan.  Since that opportunity does not exist in my reality, here I sit buried in paperwork, books, files, websites, and information in general, desperately trying to find where to start.

As if that all isn't challenging enough in and of itself, I have happened upon a new discovery in relation to my physical and mental well being.  A realization I have had for several years that I have been in perimenopause has been illuminated under a new light that stress compounds the side effects of perimenopause and further magnifies the side effects of hormonal imbalance.  Oh, yippee!  As you might well imagine I am eyeball deep in this life draining transition, and I am tired.  Exhausted.  Drained.  Wiped out.  Simply put, most days I feel as though someone has drugged me, and I could spend my entire day in bed sleeping, reading, and watching movies.  Yes.  That would 100% work for me right now.

However, staying in bed until I feel like getting up is not anywhere in the realm of my reality, so I press on.  I have done a few things to get my feet out of the muck and make my "one foot in front of the other" a tad easier.  Maybe what I've figured out for myself could be of some benefit to you.  We're all different, and we all carry our own set of unique burdens.  It is possible,  however, for us to learn from each other through our similarities as well as our differences.

What I've found to be true for me right now in my current set of circumstances is this:

1.  Put Myself First - Much like the guidance from the flight attendant to put our own oxygen mask on first, we do need to care for ourselves in order to be fit to care for our families and our communities.  We need to see to our health, both spiritual and physical.  I sought out help and began a new supplement regimen in order to address some long standing health concerns that have really been dragging me down.  It's a slow process, but I am starting to feel better.

I also provide time for myself to begin my day with prayer and Bible study.  It's amazing how just a little time in the morning with our creator can change our perspective and reset our sights on what is good and important.  Quiet time in study and/or reflection is the perfect way to begin our day on the right path with a healthy perspective.  I find I am better for it, as is my family.

2.  Establish and Guard a Schedule - UGH!  I detest this one!  Seriously.  This is SO challenging for me, but the fruit is undeniable.  I have three children ages 3.5, 4.5, and 9 in July.  They thrive on a SET IN STONE schedule.  It drives me batty!  You did see the post where I wrote about being an eclectic educator, right?  Well, I have grown to like flexibility over regiment.  Part of that may be due to my last batch of homeschoolers being high schoolers.  Life is different when you're strictly working with the young adult to adult crowd.  It's a whole different ball game with toddlers and elementary aged children.  They thrive on schedule, and as much as I'd like to say it isn't necessary, IT IS.  (If I knew how to enter a sad face right here, I would.)  I've seen the results first hand, and life without schedule, predictable schedule, isn't pretty.  Trust me, it isn't.

When my children know what to expect, they are much happier.  They fight less, cry less, and cooperate much, much more.  They are overall completely different children.  Somehow, too many errands, field trips, play dates, and general time away from home stresses them out.  It's a slippery slope.  A good friend once told me of the importance of guarding your home.  I didn't completely understand it at the time, but I totally get it now.  This is part of it.  Saying no to things we want to do in an effort to keep the best interest of the family as a whole intact is essential, at least in part, to guarding our home.  I recognize this as a stage, and for the time being at least, we are going to be "home bodies".  As much as I may dislike missing out on fun, I know there is greater reward in honoring the specific needs of my children now.  Time is fleeting.  There will be new challenges on the horizon.  Caring for my family in the most healthy way, even if that means a predictable stay-at-home schedule, is more important than any other thing on my to-do list could ever be.

3.  Cut Myself Some Slack - And, A LOT of it!  How's that song go?  "We're only human, born to make mistakes."  Or, something like that.  The point is that we are not perfect.  We've never been perfect.  We will never be perfect.  Life is much easier if we just accept that fact.  We will make blunders, and a lot of them.  It's our destiny whether we want to accept it or not.  Being imperfect is just a simple fact of life.  We can make a conscious effort to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and move on from that point leaving the error behind like discarded rubbish.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.

4.  Go with the Flow - Okay, I know I said "Establish and Guard a Schedule", but we also need to remember that life happens.  Life is complex and messy and unpredictable.  As much as we need to have a plan and honor it, we also need to be flexible.  We can usually manage to keep the general outline of our day.  Ours looks like this:

Breakfast

Bible Study and Devotion

Book Work

Chores

Free Play

Lunch

Quiet Time

Chores

Free Play

Dinner

Family Read Aloud

Bedtime

Where flexibility comes in for us is within each category.  Yesterday, I let the book work go to the side in favor of the amazingly creative make believe play that happened naturally.  Much more learning happens in these natural occurrences than any pre-planned book work I could impose.  I've learned to embrace them as they happen whenever possible.  I also encouraged creativity with the nearly-nine-year-old by taking a day off of her normal book work at quiet time to allow for her own personal exploration.  She was thrilled!  However, if this were to be a normal occurrence she would become bored easily.  I have found that just the right amount of flexibility and deviation from the normal schedule of events breathes life into our routine.  BUT, too much deviation causes stress and turmoil.  It is a fine balance, and I am learning to walk the line like a pro.

Another aspect of being flexible is to realize that our lives happen in seasons, and honor that.  What works for us right now may not work for us later.  We need to be prepared to change things up as our children grow, and life happens.  Sometimes we need to amend our schedule, or even take a break.  The important thing is to keep you eye on the goal.  As long as we keep what's important in sight, our steps will continue to take us in the direction of progress, even when we can't readily see it.

6.  Have a Goal - It is important to know what we are working toward.  Getting bogged down in the minutia of life happens all too easily.  If we don't know why we are doing what we are doing, then our focus becomes muddled.  Our patience may even take leave.  Then, everything goes out the window, even the baby with the bath water.  If you have never taken the time to think about a mission statement for your life, or your homeschool, now would be a good time to do just that.  I haven't come up with something specific, but I do have an idea in my mind.  It looks something like this:

Our Homeschool Mission - 

"Provide an enriching environment that fosters a love for learning all the time in all we do 

in order to create within our children a strong moral base that includes virtue, integrity, and independence with a biblical perspective and love for Christ as the foundation."

On the days that I just feel overwhelmed and question what on earth it is I'm doing, I just remember the goal and everything comes back into focus.  That doesn't mean that I'm magically in a better mood, but I am more capable of carrying out my objective when I bear in mind why it is I am doing it in the first place.

5.  Be Interesting - You may have read my recent post about my new found love for Dr. John Rosemond.  One thing that he emphasizes time and again is that his mother was interesting.  It is important to be an interesting person in order to properly lead our children.  That is why it is important to allow ourselves the time, and give ourselves the permission, to explore things that feed our soul, inspire us, tap into our creativity, and give us joy.  It may help to take a little inventory.  I enjoy reading, photography, research, cross-stitch, writing letters, blogging, gardening, nature, and occasional naps (my own personal quiet time).  Up until recently, I could not tell you the last time I'd done ANY of these things!  I had allowed everyone and everything to come before me.  Talk about out of balance!  This is a baby-steps project for me.  The fist step was reestablishing our schedule.  This allowed me at least a couple hours to focus on things I needed or wanted to do.  So, there is a silver lining to our new found order; time for me.

6.  Do NOT Compare Myself or My Family to Others - As homeschoolers this may be one of our biggest challenges.  It is quite easy to look at the families around us, see their successes in a vivid light, and allow them to cast a shadow on our accomplishments giving a dim view of our own homeschool life.  We all have strengths and weaknesses.  God wants us to flourish as ourselves, not our neighbor.  We have been created unique individuals with strengths and weaknesses all our own.  It is our job to build on our strengths and strengthen our weaknesses.  We will succeed the most when we work to become who we are, not who our neighbor is.  It is helpful to take inventory of what we are doing well.  Again, it comes down to focus.  Be happy for the success and accomplishments of our fellow homeschoolers, but don't let them become a standard to uphold for yourself.  Everyone has their own seasons, and we are all not in the same season at the same time.  What is good for me right now may not be at all relevant to you, and that is perfectly good and normal.  Be okay with who you are, where you are, when you are there.  This can still be a challenge for me at times, but generally speaking I have learned to accept my place in life and do the best with what I have where I am.  I am much happier when I am actively doing this.

7.  Love Unconditionally - One of the most profound understanding I gained as I matured over the years is the simple fact that LOVE IS A CHOICE.  Literally.  No bones about it.  It is just a simple fact.  Love is not an emotion.  It is not earned.  Either we choose to love, or we choose not to love.  When we choose love we give a great gift to the one receiving our love as well as to ourselves.  Choosing to love is work.  It is, dare I say, rarely easy.  If we base all our decisions and actions on love, our lives as well as the lives around us are a lot different.  Things become markedly better.  In all circumstances choose love.  Easier said than done.  I know.  BUT, it is 100% worth the effort.

I don't have everything figured out, and this list is by no means all inclusive.  The past several years have seen us through many twists and turns, hills and valleys, and even a u-turn or two, but we have persevered.  We have learned, and we have grown.  Our focus has become refined, and our purpose has changed.  For me, personally, I have had to do a lot of soul searching, spend a lot of time in prayer, and offered up a lot of forgiveness; for others as well as myself.  It has not been easy, but we are still here.  We are still learning.  We are still loving.  We are still growing.  We are coming out of our winter and into spring.  Even though today marks the literal fist day of summer, we are not there yet.  It is still our spring, and we will ease into summer when the time is right.  With that we remain on schedule, and flexible.

"Anyone can give up.  

It's the easiest thing in the world to do.  

But to hold it together when everyone else 

would understand if you fell apart, 

that's true strength."

I Love John Rosemond!

Okay, I love my husband a lot more, and love might be too strong of a word, but I do have a great respect for Dr. Rosemond.  He is a breath of fresh air to this couple right here.  We both enjoyed listening to him very much at the GHC convention in Cincinnati.  I thought it might be fun to revisit my notes and share with you what I learned.

Dr. Rosemond is very easy to listen to.  He is matter of fact and quite funny.  At the end of each seminar he left us wanting more; not that his talk was missing anything, just that he was that enjoyable to listen to.  My husband and I both agreed that we could have listened to him well into the night.

We feel challenged by the ideas of Dr. Rosemond.  His insight is well founded and spot on.  With his help, we traveled back several decades to the 1950's, and beyond, where he reminded us of the parenting styles of our mothers and grandmothers.  One thought that stuck with me is, "My mother expected me to pay attention to her."  Why, yes.  Yes she did!  His charge is that today's mother pays too much attention to her children, and that attention has profoundly negative effects on the very children we are so desperately trying to positively influence.

Based on his education in psychology and his own experience as a parent, Dr. Rosemond contends that this parental shift of sorts happened in the 1960's when parents quit listening to and learning from their elders in regard to parenting their own children.  Rather, they started listening to the flawed advice of psychologists and so called professionals.  From that point forward the behavior of our children has disintegrated, and our stress level has sky rocketed.  Today's mom has the bar raised so high that she can never achieve the standards she's set for herself, but she wears herself out to no end trying.  I have to admit my guilt in this one.  I have tortured myself day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, and even decade after decade trying so desperately to learn the best way to parent my children without messing them up too much.  What a daunting task it has been at times!

Dr. Rosemond contends that today's mother works much harder than the mothers of decades past while she raises half the children her grandmother did.  It's really ridiculous if you stop and think about it, and think about it I have.  My husband and I had already been pondering some of these things.  We just hadn't found our way quite to the level Dr. Rosemond took us.  One thing that always bothered me was the level of effort we put forth to extract obedience from our children; never mind the multitudes of failures in this department over the years.  I had already been discussing this with my husband.  Don't get me wrong.  I wasn't a perfect kid.  I made some terrible mistakes growing up, but for the most part I did what I was told when I was asked to do something.  My mom didn't have to fight with me to do my part around the house.  I knew what was expected, and I did it.  There were no chore charts, no allowance, and rarely a remind.  She never had to correct how I folded the towels or go behind me because I missed the corners when I dusted.  There was no reminder to put the milk back in the refrigerator, and she didn't have to remove something from the cupboard due to me putting it in the wrong place.  It didn't happen.  I was taught how to do things right and to do it right the first time.  There were no battles.  I've never been able to understand why I wasn't able to pull that level of efficiency off with our own children.  I always chalked it up to being a combined family.  Now, I would have to say that would be incorrect.

Another thing that really stood out to me is the point Dr. Rosemond made about his mom spending time with her friends and what they did, or didn't, talk about.  He shared that he had asked his mother what she used to talk about with her girlfriends when he was a kid.  Guess what?  It was everything BUT him!  I know I have personally spent a lot of time talking with trusted individuals about my parenting challenges over the years.  Moms of the past did no such thing.  They didn't talk about their children.  Instead, the talked about their interests and how they were spending their time.  They were INTERESTING!  Are you interesting?  I know I am not so interesting, and it has been a struggle of my heart.  I have been frustrated very much in this department for quite some time.  I am so wrapped up in my children that there is NO time for ME.  I have felt lost in parenthood for many years now.  A couple of years ago I was just glimpsing the illusion of freedom, and it did feel good, then we became parents of three instead of one.  (For those of you that are unfamiliar, we had already raised seven children when we adopted one more.  Then, we also became parents to two of our grandchildren unexpectedly.  Vacation over!  LOL)  I say illusion, because I really didn't know that I was my own gate keeper.

This idea ties into another area of discussion between the husband and myself, freedom for the kids.  Dr. Rosemond hit on this as well.  Kids NEED time that is unstructured.  In today's society we are SO structured with an abundance of activities.  We cart kids from one thing to the next, and they rarely have time all to themselves.  One thing I have known for a long time is that kids actually NEED to get bored.  Boredom does breed creativity.  My conclusion?  If we actually allow our children unstructured time to explore, play, and just be children, then we mothers will have plenty of time to explore, play, and just be ourselves.  We can take off our hats and truly be who we are.  We CAN be interesting!  We do not need to be so wrapped up in the lives of our children that we cannot do anything relevant to ourselves.  Seriously!  If we do not make it a point to be interesting and be MORE than mothers to our children our children WILL view us as dispensers of entitlements.  This, dear friend, is a fact.  I have seen it plain and simple in our family as well as the families of those near and dear to my heart.

How do you feel when I make this statement?  "Children should be seen, and not heard."  It used to ruffle my feathers.  Now, I view it in a totally different light.  I love including children in conversation, but there is a distinct line that has been muddied over the decades of degradation.  Though the aforementioned statement may seem blunt and harsh to we parents of today, there is a value in the philosophy that has been going right over our heads.  It may be even more relevant to those of us that are homeschoolers.  When children are "seen, and not heard" they are cast in the role of the student.  The distinction between adult and child becomes clear, and children are effectively taught to become adults.

We, my husband I, are still learning how to be effective parents in our home.  Raising seven children in the circumstances that we did taught us a lot.  It laid the foundation for us to be capable of raising the children currently in our charge.  Our hearts and minds have never been more open to the prompting of God, especially with regard to the care and keeping of children.  I know what I have shared my strike a nerve with some of you.  However, when I am completely honest with myself I am acutely aware of the way things have degraded within our society.  I believe in the Biblical principles as the foundation for family, and I am constantly working toward understanding what the Bible has to say and how to apply it to my life.  I long for a self-sufficient life for my children based on Godly principles and Biblical virtues.  With this in mind I will continue to educate myself, keep my heart open to the prompting of God, and share with others what I learn along the way.  Over the coming months I will continue to share on this and related subjects.  I hope the things God has put on my heart with challenge your thinking as well as encourage you along your own personal journey with your Creator, your family, yourself, and your community.

Love Never Fails

This morning I was reading from I Corinthians chapters 13 through 15 in the Message Bible. I have 13:3-7 hanging on my bathroom wall as a reminder, but it bears repeating:

"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, not matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I am bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut.
Doesn't have a swelled head.
Doesn't force itself on others.
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts in God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

I have been struggling with some personal "love" issues, and what stood out to me was, PUTS UP WITH ANYTHING. Really? That was a tough one to swallow for me this morning. Taken literally, that can be rather frightening. Are we really capable of putting up with anything? Am I capable of putting up with anything? Well, I think I already know the answer to that.

Doesn't all really go back to being selfless as opposed to being selfish? We really are self-centered beings, don't you think? As selfish people, naturally, are we capable of at least fighting the flesh and learning to be selfless? Where do we draw the line between being selfless and being a doormat? That is the part that is always most difficult for me. I mean, I do have needs myself. Do they not matter at all?

I think the answer, as always, lies in Christ. If we are completely dependent on Him, then what else do we really need? Of course, there are moral guidelines to follow. Thankfully, elsewhere in the Bible we are taught how to deal effectively with the people in our lives. I have heard it said numerous times; I have even said it myself, "Too bad children don't come with an owner's manual." Well, let me tell you, they do! The Bible is God's guidebook gifted to us. Prayerful study will reap you many rewards and abundant wise counsel. Dig deeply my friends!

The Message Bible

Several months ago I started reading the Bible beginning in The New Testament. I have always preferred the traditional King James version. One morning I awoke and reached for my Bible, but it wasn't there. I had left it downstairs. My husband's new Bible, The Message , was there, and I picked it up. I have been reaching for it ever since.

The Message is a wonderful version done in the modern vernacular. It is so easy to read. I thoroughly enjoy it and often find it humorous. It is kind of funny to think of those from Bible Times speaking our language.

I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning, and she was discussing how God loves us and accepts us for who we are. He actually chose us. He is not angry with us. He loves us unconditionally. Verses from Ephesians kept coming up, so I thought I would share some of The Message Bible here with you.

Introduction to Ephesians taken from The Message:

What we know about God and what we do for God have a way of getting broken apart in our lives. The moment the organic unity of belief and behavior is damaged in any way, we are incapable of living out the full humanity for which we were created.

Paul's letter to the Ephesians joins together what has been torn apart in our win-wrecked world. He begins with an exuberant exploration of what Christians believe about God, and then, like a surgeon skillfully setting a compound fracture.
sets this belief in God into our behavior before God so that the bones-belief and behavior-knit together and heal.

Once our attention is called to it, we notice these fractures all over the place. There is hardly a bone in our bodies that has escaped injury, hardly a relationship in city or job, school or church, family or country, that isn't out of joint or limping in pain. There is much work to be done.

And so Paul goes to work. He ranges widely, from heaven to earth and back again, showing how Jesus, the Messiah, is eternally and tirelessly bringing everything and everyone together. He also shows us that in addition to having this work done in and for us, we are participants in this most urgent work. Now that we know what is going on, that the energy of reconciliation is the dynamo at the heart of the universe, it is imperative that we join in vigorously and perseveringly, convinced that every detail in our lives contributes (or not) to what Paul describes as God's plan worked out by Christ, "a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth."

Ephesians 3:14-19 from The Message:

My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit-not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength-that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. ~ Eph. 3:14-19

Do you do as Paul advises? What a challenge it can be for some of us to see God as, "Father". Is God your father? Do you call him, "Daddy"? Have you opened the door to Christ and invited him to live within you benefiting from His glorious inner strength? Have you planted both feet firmly in love and taken in the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love? Are you living the full life offered to you through God?

Does it seem a tall order? Again, I come back to how we start our day. Is yours started in The Word? Have you tried it? Did you notice a difference? Feel free to share your experiences here. I'd love to hear from you the difference shifting your focus from self to God and the service of others has made in your life.