Boundaries with Adult Children

Our New Year started with a BANG! It was New Year's Eve 2007. We had just finished taking home one of our children that needed a ride after our family Christmas celebration. I received a phone call. Our oldest daughter, her son, her guy friend and his daughter were being put out of where they were living. They needed help. So, ended my mere three month stint of normalcy.

Mind you, our version of normal rarely looks like a stereotypical version of normal. I was just so happy to have our family the way it was "supposed" to be. The kids that didn't live there were taking care of themselves. I was focusing on home schooling the three youngest with no interruption from the older kids, and I even found time to volunteer at a local transitional housing project in our neighborhood regularly. You caught that, right? R-E-G-U-L-A-R-L-Y!

When I received that phone call, life as we knew and loved it stopped. Once again our focus shifted; pushed by an outside source. The needs of the older kids, were once again overriding the needs of the younger kids. This has been a struggle for years. If I harbor guilt with raising my children that would be the area in which it lies. We came together, and now we had two extra adults and two extra children residing in our home.

We learned about boundaries, and we learned fast. I actually am thankful that God allowed us to be in that situation. Even though I didn't know it at the time that situation helped my husband and myself grow as parents. We learned that our idea of helping isn't always helpful. We learned that sometimes helping involves no action at all. Sometimes it really is helpful to do nothing. Sometimes nothing is actually the very best thing we could do for all involved.

Having these adult children and their children in our home was a very trying situation for all. We discovered a lot about our children and ourselves. The most offending realization was our age. We found out just how far we've been and just how old we are by what we were and were not willing to live with and just how easy it was to determine and act on. The situation was stressful for all, but the responsibility lied solely on our shoulders as the reigning parents. That was no easy title to hold at that time.

Almost immediately the guy friend secured employment, and the daughter made known that she had no intention of moving on with him. Here we had gone against our house rules, allowed a guy to reside in our home (on the couch), and then she dropped this on us all! The young man was crushed, but he worked on. He secured an apartment and moved out within two months.

This left us with the daughter and her child. The daughter that has not held down a job for the past year. The daughter that cannot afford to do anything is not willing to work, let alone work hard. It became evident, and fast, that she was not going to do what it takes to be self-reliant. She was prepared to sleep in our home just as long as we would allow her to flop there. Well, we knew we were not okay with that idea, so we gave her a time limit. She was out a month or so later thanks to her income tax refund.

Take a quick breath, clean the house, reclaim rooms and make way for another adult child and her child! After one week's reprieve we ended up with another mom and child back home. This one was a mixed blessing. We were tired of house guests, but she was finally leaving an abusive relationship after four years. We couldn't turn her away. She is a hard worker with the means necessary to take care of herself. She just needs a launching off point. That would be our home. She was true to her word and was out in two months. WHEW!

What did we learn through this?

We learned that boundaries are VERY important. It is important to determine what they are, make them known, and guard them closely.

We learned that setting boundaries with older children can be tough. It is important to not allow emotions to get in the way.

We learned to ask our self, "What would help this person most in the long run?"

We learned that it is okay, and beneficial to take time to think. A thought out solution is always better than a knee-jerk response.

We learned that our future is more important than their present. This means that we will not jeopardize our financial security to secure theirs.

We learned to NEVER do for anyone what they can do for themselves.

We learned to guard our boundaries like a junk yard dog, because no one appreciates them like we do!

A step by step summary:

1.) Understand and acknowledge your need for boundaries.

2.) Determine what your boundaries are.

3.) Make your boundaries known.

4.) Stand firm oun your boundaries.

5.) REPEAT!

It is my prayer that God bless all of you with a strong countenance in learning how to most effectively parent your adult children. This is a pivotal time in their lives and well as yours. Stay firm, stay strong, and stay in prayer.

Contemplation

It seems growth happens in contemplation. We stagnate by choice. When we contemplate our stagnation and search our soul we grow. True growth requires action.

It wasn't long ago I was bracing myself for a breakthrough. Well, I have finally moved forward a notch or two. I have sincerely grown. I have grown spiritually. I have grown emotionally. I have grown in my relationships. I have grown into myself. My heart and my mind are open to change, which is equal to growth.

There are many things that I have been contemplating. Firstly, my relationship with God the Father, and Jesus the Savior. I truely see how through Him all things are possible. I do believe I get it now. It is my greatest desire to be connected to Him. I long to do His will. I long to have purpose.

Through my quest for a real relationship with The Creator, I have found myself, my husband, my family, my purpose and direction. What a tremendous blessing just one of those things would be, but to have them all coming into light is indescribable.

I cannot emplore you enough to seek God in all you do. There is such freedom in having a strong connection with the Creator. What a blessing it is to be accepted 100% for who you are! How wonderful life is when we remember the higher purpose. I have personally experienced the difference of a day started with conversation with God and reflection on his word, and a day started with a cup of coffee and the news. The blessing of a mere 10 minutes spent in reflection has lasting impact; impact far beyond that particular day.

All relationships require work, so why would we think any less of our relationship with God? When you rise tomorrow just stop for a few minutes to talk with God BEFORE your feet hit the floor. Focus your mind, contemplate with God, and step out in a sure direction with a clear focus. "In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait with expectation." ~ Psalm 5:3

Facing Demons

It seems there comes a time in every one's life where the past catches up with the present. I have been exploring my relationship with God through weight loss. It has been an interesting experience, and I have grown tremendously. I have been experiencing what I now call, "Adult Growing Pains." They are equally unpleasant, the pain is just in a different location. Pain is felt in the heart and the spirit, not the muscles. Although, left unattended the pain could spread to the physical body. I know. I have been so exhausted.

I have learned that it really does pay to explore your past, face your demons, kick them out, and instigate healing. Don't get me wrong. This is no simple process. You must be prepared as well as determined. Dealing with emotion is painful and frightening. A good support team, at least one good friend, is essential. They must be trustworthy and a true, caring friend. It is not recommended to try this on your own with no outside support. If you truly have no one that you can trust it would be advisable to seek assistance from your pastor or a good Christian counselor.

With a small group study through our church my husband and I have been going through Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn. It has been quite a process. I had already been facing my demons in preparation for my baptism this past March. Without knowing it, I had gone through the steps Stephen illustrates in his book. In order to truly grow we must face our past, reconcile our pain, and grieve our losses before we can move toward being a healthy, grounded, and focused individual.

I am so happy to finally be learning how to tear down the walls of protection that I have spent my entire life constructing. This is a tremendous breakthrough for me. I am finally learning how to trust others and allow myself to be vulnerable in the interest of meaningful and healthy relationships on all levels of my life. My personal life with my husband and children, my relationships with extended family members, and my ability to connect with new people; all of these facets of my life have grown brighter.

Keeping God first, and living consciously, has greatly changed my self-confidence and increased my ability to connect. I highly recommend investing in yourself the time and resources required to face your demons. What do you have to loose except a lot of baggage? Just imagine the resulting freedom!

I am Here

If nothing else, I am here. So much happens in a day. It can really overwhelm the mind if one pauses to think what all is going on at any given moment. Good and bad things are happening all at once everywhere around the world. No matter my place in "The Grand Scheme", I am here. No matter where I sit, I am here. No matter the occasion, I am here.

It is amazing to me the profoundness involved in living. We can take it as far, or as little, as we like. Everything is a choice, my choice. Life continues no matter what I do. How it continues, that I impact...whether or not I am aware of my impact. We all matter. We may not know it, but we do matter.

There is so much happening any given moment, and I long to be in so many of the happenings. The desire to matter is overwhelming. Do not misunderstand me. I do not mean to matter in a popular sense or in a way of being acknowledged. I long to matter in areas of importance to others...in the details. It is essential to my being to give of myself in a way to make a difference to the lives of others...beyond my corner of the world.

Life is so limited. Why not have it abundant? What is abundance? What matters to you? Are you a "Material Girl"? Can there be matters of more importance than worldly wealth? Have you paused for thought? I have, and I want more than things. I want substance. I want purpose. I want to matter in "The Grand Scheme". It is essential to determine what is good and to do it fervently.

It is my prayer that the world quits wasting it's time in matters of triviality and directs it's energy to love and kindness. If everyone gave just a little, oh what a wonderful world it would be. No matter the state, I am here.

Getting Scheduled

Today was our first day with our new schedule. It is SO against my nature to be SO scheduled. I am very organized by nature, thankfully, or I would likely crumble under the demands we have placed on ourselves this year. I have come very accustomed to our unschooling way of life. We have had years of total freedom...as much as day to day life permits.

This year the kids chose to be part of a local homeschooling co-op. It is a BIG commitment for all of us. They like it a lot and have a good time there...as long as they like it and want to participate I am honoring our lifestyle choice. I look forward to the day that I am in complete control of my time. Honestly, that day may never come as my husband loves to monopolize my time also. :-)

I do have many things that I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. I have been praying a lot for God to use me to his honor. I do not desire a lavish lifestyle, rather the ability to give plenty of myself in time and money. Using my gifts to the benefit of others is VERY important to me. I want to be as pure and honest as humanly possible. It is my desire to be open to prompting for the Holy Spirit.

Life has this way of sucking you in. Getting distracted happens so easily. It seems to happen more frequently the older I get. It is amazing to me that we actually raised seven children in our home at one time. Now there are only three here. Children are such a commitment that I don't think it matters the number. No matter how many we have to our responsibility we give them our all. They wear us out and bless us just the same...be it one or ten children.