Friday, November 30, 2007


It seems growth happens in contemplation. We stagnate by choice. When we contemplate our stagnation and search our soul we grow. True growth requires action.

It wasn't long ago I was bracing myself for a breakthrough. Well, I have finally moved forward a notch or two. I have sincerely grown. I have grown spiritually. I have grown emotionally. I have grown in my relationships. I have grown into myself. My heart and my mind are open to change, which is equal to growth.

There are many things that I have been contemplating. Firstly, my relationship with God the Father, and Jesus the Savior. I truely see how through Him all things are possible. I do believe I get it now. It is my greatest desire to be connected to Him. I long to do His will. I long to have purpose.

Through my quest for a real relationship with The Creator, I have found myself, my husband, my family, my purpose and direction. What a tremendous blessing just one of those things would be, but to have them all coming into light is indescribable.

I cannot emplore you enough to seek God in all you do. There is such freedom in having a strong connection with the Creator. What a blessing it is to be accepted 100% for who you are! How wonderful life is when we remember the higher purpose. I have personally experienced the difference of a day started with conversation with God and reflection on his word, and a day started with a cup of coffee and the news. The blessing of a mere 10 minutes spent in reflection has lasting impact; impact far beyond that particular day.

All relationships require work, so why would we think any less of our relationship with God? When you rise tomorrow just stop for a few minutes to talk with God BEFORE your feet hit the floor. Focus your mind, contemplate with God, and step out in a sure direction with a clear focus. "In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait with expectation." ~ Psalm 5:3

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Facing Demons

It seems there comes a time in every one's life where the past catches up with the present. I have been exploring my relationship with God through weight loss. It has been an interesting experience, and I have grown tremendously. I have been experiencing what I now call, "Adult Growing Pains." They are equally unpleasant, the pain is just in a different location. Pain is felt in the heart and the spirit, not the muscles. Although, left unattended the pain could spread to the physical body. I know. I have been so exhausted.

I have learned that it really does pay to explore your past, face your demons, kick them out, and instigate healing. Don't get me wrong. This is no simple process. You must be prepared as well as determined. Dealing with emotion is painful and frightening. A good support team, at least one good friend, is essential. They must be trustworthy and a true, caring friend. It is not recommended to try this on your own with no outside support. If you truly have no one that you can trust it would be advisable to seek assistance from your pastor or a good Christian counselor.

With a small group study through our church my husband and I have been going through Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn. It has been quite a process. I had already been facing my demons in preparation for my baptism this past March. Without knowing it, I had gone through the steps Stephen illustrates in his book. In order to truly grow we must face our past, reconcile our pain, and grieve our losses before we can move toward being a healthy, grounded, and focused individual.

I am so happy to finally be learning how to tear down the walls of protection that I have spent my entire life constructing. This is a tremendous breakthrough for me. I am finally learning how to trust others and allow myself to be vulnerable in the interest of meaningful and healthy relationships on all levels of my life. My personal life with my husband and children, my relationships with extended family members, and my ability to connect with new people; all of these facets of my life have grown brighter.

Keeping God first, and living consciously, has greatly changed my self-confidence and increased my ability to connect. I highly recommend investing in yourself the time and resources required to face your demons. What do you have to loose except a lot of baggage? Just imagine the resulting freedom!

Friday, September 21, 2007

I am Here

If nothing else, I am here. So much happens in a day. It can really overwhelm the mind if one pauses to think what all is going on at any given moment. Good and bad things are happening all at once everywhere around the world. No matter my place in "The Grand Scheme", I am here. No matter where I sit, I am here. No matter the occasion, I am here.

It is amazing to me the profoundness involved in living. We can take it as far, or as little, as we like. Everything is a choice, my choice. Life continues no matter what I do. How it continues, that I impact...whether or not I am aware of my impact. We all matter. We may not know it, but we do matter.

There is so much happening any given moment, and I long to be in so many of the happenings. The desire to matter is overwhelming. Do not misunderstand me. I do not mean to matter in a popular sense or in a way of being acknowledged. I long to matter in areas of importance to the details. It is essential to my being to give of myself in a way to make a difference to the lives of others...beyond my corner of the world.

Life is so limited. Why not have it abundant? What is abundance? What matters to you? Are you a "Material Girl"? Can there be matters of more importance than worldly wealth? Have you paused for thought? I have, and I want more than things. I want substance. I want purpose. I want to matter in "The Grand Scheme". It is essential to determine what is good and to do it fervently.

It is my prayer that the world quits wasting it's time in matters of triviality and directs it's energy to love and kindness. If everyone gave just a little, oh what a wonderful world it would be. No matter the state, I am here.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Getting Scheduled

Today was our first day with our new schedule. It is SO against my nature to be SO scheduled. I am very organized by nature, thankfully, or I would likely crumble under the demands we have placed on ourselves this year. I have come very accustomed to our unschooling way of life. We have had years of total much as day to day life permits.

This year the kids chose to be part of a local homeschooling co-op. It is a BIG commitment for all of us. They like it a lot and have a good time long as they like it and want to participate I am honoring our lifestyle choice. I look forward to the day that I am in complete control of my time. Honestly, that day may never come as my husband loves to monopolize my time also. :-)

I do have many things that I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. I have been praying a lot for God to use me to his honor. I do not desire a lavish lifestyle, rather the ability to give plenty of myself in time and money. Using my gifts to the benefit of others is VERY important to me. I want to be as pure and honest as humanly possible. It is my desire to be open to prompting for the Holy Spirit.

Life has this way of sucking you in. Getting distracted happens so easily. It seems to happen more frequently the older I get. It is amazing to me that we actually raised seven children in our home at one time. Now there are only three here. Children are such a commitment that I don't think it matters the number. No matter how many we have to our responsibility we give them our all. They wear us out and bless us just the it one or ten children.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Much to Be Said

I have released a tremendous load from my shoulders. We had some big decisions that needed to be made. Information came slow, and we drug our feet. I think fear of the solution to a problem is often worse than the solution itself. Once we finally dug in and did the work required things resoved themselves quite nicely. Praise God! You would be amazed the impact this has on your spirit.

The very day I dug in and resolved the issue needing attention I was more productive than all the weeks prior. It was amazing. With such a burden lifted I was free to be myself. My mind cleared. I could think and plan and produce. It was like the fog disipated from my vision, and the view was amazing.

Pat and I have dealt with many things over the years. I have often been frustrated with myself for not learning lessons more quickly. It just might be that I have finally grown as a person. I feel weak and defeated. Maybe I am, but a great friend revealed to me the blessing that exists in such a state. When one finally admits defeat and has nothing left to give of themself God can begin his work. What better medium to create with than a blank slate?

Where I can see growth in myself most obviously is in the handling of my children. I accept my part of the responsibility in the current state of my relationship with the ones I have grown distant. Despite the pain distance may create it is often necessary for healing to begin. Children need space to grow. Sometimes we need the space as well. It is my prayer that this space will foster an even stronger bond over the passing of time.

This year has given us many challenges to face and lessons to learn. There is much to be said about rolling up your shirt sleeves and digging right in. Problems ignored grow and become overblown. Wounds fester. It is not a pretty situation for anyone to ignore the elephant in the room. Eventually that poo builds and the flies come. If left too long things stink and grow out of control. There is not much worse than a few flies in the house let alone many of them accompanied by a bad odor. No one can be at peace in such an environment.

Admit your weakness, and allow God room to work. Step back from yourself and watch what happens. Miracles do still happen. He can do amazing things with anyone. Yes, "anyone" does include you!

Friday, August 31, 2007

On Grandbabies and Unwed Moms

I'll try to fill in the blanks here. We are not currently raising any of our soon-to-be FOUR grandchildren. All of whom came to us from young, unwed mothers in just over two years. Talk about overwhelmed!

Throughout this journey we are still raising/homeschooling our three youngest. (17/15/13) Over the years they have suffered greatly for the decisions of their four older sisters. Our home has been overflowing with stress throughout the years. Being bombarded with grandchildren has been no exception.

At various times we have had different levels of involvement. Initially, one of the moms lived at home. She was very irresponsible and not a giving parent by any stretch of the means. We had to step in just to get the baby bathed. It was VERY frustrating and exhausting. She was inattentive and down right disgusting with her lack of cleanliness. She thought we should care for the baby and she should be able to run with her friends and not pay bills or work. It was NOT a good situation.

During this time I cared for her baby and one of our other grandbabies both full-time together. This was extremely stressful and exhausting. I had no time for anything. I was on the verge of a breakdown, I'm sure. Maybe I even had one...

The mom that was living at home with baby ended up moving out and ending up homeless. We had to strongly consider going after her for the baby. Through much prayer and counsel things worked far. She is currently living with my step-sister and her family. She seems to be doing okay. We don't see her or the baby very often anymore. She's been very irresponsible, and we've come to terms with the fact that it is highly probable that the baby may end up with his father at some point. We think that would be a good thing.

The other grandbaby that I was caring for, her mom was renting a house from us. Well, her boyfriend is, if nothing else, an emotional/psycological abuser. He is toxic. He's ruined her credit and her self-esteem. We had a VERY BAD falling out. They took advantage of us for two years. Finally, we had to put our foot down. I don't watch the grandbaby anymore. We take her on occassion just to spend time with her and foster our relationship. It's been tough as we have helped raise her since birth. She just turned two in July.

The third grandbaby lives two states away. We don't know him too well, but we do see him a few times a year and "talk" to him on the phone sometimes. His mom moved out of state with her boyfriend and his family. It's been a year. Things aren't working out. Boyfriend can't hold a job and has backed out of his promises. She is managing at a McDonald's and starting at University tomorrow. She will be getting her own place soon.

The fourth grandbaby is due October 26th. Mom is completely irresponsible, immature and unaware of anything to do with parenting or caring for a baby. Dad is into drugs, and we are very worried. They were living with daughter of first grandbaby and took advantage of us financially right along with her. They just moved into an apartment about a week or so ago. I'm terrified of what's to come with them.

Throughout all of this we have learned at least one valuable lesson. There is a time and place where you MUST draw the line. You must be firm once a decision is made. Do anything to directly help your grandbabies, but make the parents grow and learn on their own. In all four instances it's the only thing that's worked for us.

Above all put your family that lives under your roof and still depends on you over and above anything or anyone else, and keep nurturing your relationship...if you're in one. My husband and I have really struggled through this. So, have our younger children. It has been tough all the way around.

We are learning and growing everyday. We have been disappointed, injured and blessed all at the same time. We love our grandbabies. We struggle with our relationships with their parents. It's a tough road to travel.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Motherhood...In the Meantime

Our lives take so many twists and turns it is a wonder we can ever be fully aware of where it is we are headed. Life has been full of curve balls for us lately. I have been feeling like one of those wind up toys that moves in one direction until it runs into something, then it turns in another direction until it runs into something, and so on. Raising children is certainly challenging and perplexing at times.

I was really enjoying life with the three youngest at home. We were having a lot of fun together. Then our boat was rocked...again. Somehow Pat and I need to draw some very obvious lines in our lives with our older children and reclaim our lives. We need to stop allowing their decisions to have an impact on the lives of ourselves and our younger children. Enough is enough.

We have sought the direction of those older and wiser than ourselves. It has helped us tremendously on an emotional and intellectual level. Unfortunately, our beloved counselor is moving to Tennessee next month. We had our last session last night. He has been such a God send for us. His instruction has had a wonderfully positive effect on our lives. God truly blessed us with him in such perfect timing.

Three months have passed since I originally wrote the above paragraphs. There have been many sleepless nights and shed tears. We are learning some valuable life lessons through the conduit of our four eldest children. The troubling aspect is that my life lessons always seem to come later rather than sooner. Will I ever catch on to what God is trying so desperately to teach me at a quicker pace? Will my learning curve ever tighten? I most certainly hope so!

Pat and I have been desperatly trying to be mindful. We have set boundaries...much to the dismay of a few children. Our delay in action has cost us both financially and emotionally as well as taxed our relationship with our older children. I've come to terms with the fact that it's just the way things need to be for now. Time will pass, and the dust will settle. We may or may not find our children and grandchildren in the debris. I have to be prepared for either outcome.

Yes, it sucks...but, any other mindset would be unhealthy at this present time. It is my prayer that we all grow through this turmoil and that our relationships will heal over time. In the meantime I will keep my family in prayer and continue to work on myself while I wait.

Thursday, February 08, 2007


I have felt SO under attack lately. I MUST be headed for a breakthrough of some sort. What else could it be? It seems that every goal I have set for myself has been moved out of my reach. My whole year has been one trip up after another starting from the very beginning. It's very frustrating and difficult to not feel defeated. Despite this I trudge on.

My poor husband is struggling emotionally. We are in the Motor City, and he is a transmission mechanic. Need I say more? It's a dying business. He needs to find another means of making a living. This is all he's done his whole life. Talk about overwhelming and frightening. I feel for him, but I have no real brilliant ideas. I wish I did. You can believe that.

It is so difficult to watch someone you love struggle, be it in any manner. There is such a feeling of helplessness associated with such a view. The desire to help is almost overwhelming, yet helplessness endures. We are alone but for God in our situation. Our only solace is love and prayer.

We seem to do the "steps-forward and steps-back" dance with almost sheer precision. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds, yet one mere disagreement can send us speeding off track. Life truly becomes a train wreck. We have mastered our relationship in smooth sailing, but have yet to learn the art of closeness in the storm. Unfortunately, I believe that to mean we need more practice. Oh, happy day.

The economy and culture where we live are both in the toilet. It seems near impossible to raise moral children in a worldly environment. How do people do it? Do we really have any influence on the outcome? Of course, we must. It is difficult to see having raised FOUR daughters to get pregnant out of wedlock while still teens. One plus is that they did it after completing high school, but I would have loved to have children later so that I could have made some more educated choices for their rearing.

In a perfect world I would have never sent any of my children to public school. I would have homeschooled every last one of them. Oh, to have children that actually valued my wounds and could see the lessons in my scars. They frighten me. I would love to be moved away somewhere with a little distance so that everything was not so in my face.

The desire of distance between myself and my children may seem a little cold to some, but I think it would do us all some good. Having been reared in public school they've learned to let others do their thinking for them. Maybe if we were not so accessible they would learn to be free thinkers more quickly. Somehow they need to learn to provide life abundant for themselves.


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