Thursday, July 06, 2006

In Transition

Despite my melt down, recovery and conscious effort to be positive I am floundering still. I have been desperately grasping at straws. I am making a concerted effort to refocus myself and increase my energy. This is no easy assignment.

Caring for Dustin, my almost three month old grandson, is proving to be a bit more than I can handle over 45 hours per week. It is a tall order given our lifestyle. My goal is to become more balanced and find a way to flourish and grow in my "gilded cage". It has to be possible. People do it all the time. Am I just being selfish? What is my problem?

The dilemma, you ask? I have three unschoolers, two very new, depending on me to be there for them. Now, there is this new little life added to the mix restricting our lifestyle. We are not as free as we were before, and all of us are trying to adjust. It is not easy for anyone.

Adrian is good at verbalizing his concerns, so I hear from him his discontent. Andrew has been lashing out at me personally. That's really tough. Amie, well, she's a little pre-occupied with her girlfriend over everyday and night. So, she is distracting herself effectively.

Sunday I will be home alone. It is my objective to take some time to plan things for the future. Of course, they will not be set in stone, but we need a reference point in order to more easily have something interesting to do on a regular basis. Maybe I'll make a list of places to go, things to do, science experiments, recipes to make, books to read, whatever. Obviously, these will all be ideas centered around our personal interests.

Something needs to change, and I am bound and determined to find a happy place for myself and assist my children in finding their happy place. It is my duty that I have been failing to perform. Again, I am learning that I must start with ME first. All else will work itself out.

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