Loss of Power

I have shared Scott Noelle's writing here previously, and this particular bit touches on something that I have been thinking a lot about over the past year or so. I will share my thoughts after the article:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

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:: Pushing Buttons ::

When toddlers get a hold of computer keyboards, telephones, or any other gadgetry, they go wild pushing buttons! They're driven to discover the magical powers at their fingertips.

At any age, children are driven to push their parents' "buttons" too! Not because they're "naughty" but for two reasons:

1. They need to know what's there -- to map the emotional terrain and keep the map up to date.

2. It's an efficient way to get their parents' heightened attention *and* feel more powerful.

When your child pushes your buttons, s/he's doing you a favor: revealing that you've given your power away to the triggering behavior or conditions.

When you de-activate your buttons -- consciously choosing to stay Connected and Present, regardless of conditions and behavior -- you reclaim your Authentic Power! You cease to be someone who can be controlled like a mindless machine.

And your child will lose interest in the buttons you've de-activated, especially if you're also helping him or her find better ways to feel powerful.

http://dailygroove.net/pushing-buttons

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Copyright (c) 2009 by Scott Noelle


The first phrase that got my attention was, "When your child pushes your buttons, s/he's doing you a favor: revealing that you've given your power away to the triggering behavior or conditions." I have acknowledged the need in my own life to have better control over myself in situations that are less than desirable for me. I have family members that are intense, and I can be as well. It is my honest and true desire to remain grounded in any confrontational situation.

That being said, I struggle with keeping my cool in all situations. Some times are easier than others. Certain things may be a factor like being over tired, in pain, or distracted. In such circumstances it is easier to speak without thinking first. However, in no circumstance is it ever effective to let someone know that it is not okay for them to speak to you in a certain way while you, yourself are not using a level tone. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I continue to struggle with thinking before I speak and maintaining a calm and controlled voice in ALL circumstances. I do pray about this, and I have made it a priority to learn how to NOT be ruled by my emotions.

Taking this a step further it is also my goal to not let the mood of someone else determine how I feel. If someone is frustrated, sad, angry, impatient, you name it, I desire for it to be second nature for me not to react emotionally. Just because someone else is having a rough moment does not mean that I need to succumb to their emotional state and join in their misery. There is no reason that I should not be able to maintain a level head and heart. However, I still struggle with this, and I find it even more frustrating than than the first mentioned dilemma.

Personally, I had never thought of it the way that Scott put it in reference to giving your power away. I can plainly see that that is precisely what we are doing when we react in such unsavory ways. I am even more determined than ever to become centered to a point that this is no longer a struggle for me. There is no reward in being out of control or hot headed.

Have any of you taken this journey? Are you still struggling? Have you mastered the art of staying level and calm in all situations? What have you learned? What are you willing to share? Wisdom, experience, and insight is desired. So, share with us oh wise and faithful readers!

Enjoy Being a Parent

I just L-O-V-E, love Scott Noelle at Enjoying Parenting! His daily emails are inspirational, challenging, thought provoking, and encouraging. Scott really has a gift of showing us what is so blatantly obvious, but somehow society has managed to snugly secure blinders over our eyes preventing us from seeing what has always been there; pure, gentle spirits.

Our nature as humans really is pretty simple. We are creatures of habit, and when our habits get changed to something less than desirable we can flounder there forever if left unchallenged. Scott provides that challenge in a kind and gentle way. He is so simple and loving in his presentation that I often find myself thinking, "Well, duh! Why on earth don't I think that way already?"

It is SO very easy to get caught up in the daily grind that we can slip right into negative behavior and bad decision making and be completely unaware of just exactly where we have allowed ourselves to go in our thinking and behavior. Left unchecked, as humans we can go rapidly into a downward spiral. Our children are first, right after ourselves, in the line of those effected by the decisions we choose to make.

When you think about it, our children are really quite vulnerable to our behavior. They are directly effected by our state of mind and actions. I know my kids are VERY in tune with me. If something is bothering me, and (I think) I have not given any outward indication to that fact, my children ALWAYS ask me what is wrong. I am definitely a person that wears my heart on my sleeve, but even when I want to keep things under wraps it is impossible to do so in regard to my children. So, if they are so susceptible to something we are trying not to share just imagine how they are impacted by those things that we do without thought on a daily basis. The impact is profound!

I always think of little ones as a sponge. They go around soaking up everything around them until they are overflowing. Imagine the difference we can make if their little sponge selves are filled with positive emotion, creative thinking, and useful information. In my thinking filling them with good things better equips them to keep the negative things at bay. A sponge that is already full has no room for more. You have to squeeze out some of the water down the drain in order for more to be soaked up. What better to refill our child sponges with than good, clean parental interaction. Modeling positive and creative thinking for them as youngsters can only have a positive impact on them as they grow and mature; not to mention the bond you create with yourself and your children through such positive interaction in childhood.

Take the time to visit Scott's web site, Enjoy Parenting. You and your children can only benefit from the resources and articles available there. Scott's advice is perfect for parents that have children of all ages. At first glace it may seem like his information is only directed toward parents of young children, but my youngest is soon to be 15 years old, and I still love reading Scott's daily emails. They're FREE, so you might as well sign up while you are there!

The Daily Groove

I have been receiving daily emails on parenting from Scott Noelle for well over a year. I just love his insite and guidance. I thought I would share his most recent email here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

Do you ever feel like your child is "running your life"? This Tuesday at 7pm/PT (10pm/ET) members of my group coaching program are invited to join me for a conference call to discuss how to avoid coercive parenting without feeling coerced yourself. Details in the member forums.

Not a member yet?

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The One-Body Principle

Suppose your right leg began twitching for no apparentreason. If it persisted, you'd do something about it.You might massage your leg or take some vitamins that support nerve functions.

But you wouldn't yell at your leg or threaten to hurt it! Nor would you ignore it and think, "It's the leg'sproblem, not mine." Such responses wouldn't make sense because your leg is a part of YOU.

Likewise, when your child's behavior seems unreasonable, you can overcome the temptation to react negatively by responding to your child as if s/he were a part of your body.

Like the parts of your body, your child functions well when you pay attention to his or her signals and, instead of resisting those signals, you do your best to honor and respond to them.

There's no blame; you just deal with it. Today, imagine you and your child are like one body and notice how that perspective affects your interactions.

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Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle