Follow the Leader

Robin Nest Discovered 2013

There is one thing I've learned over the years, and it is to let your kids lead.  They are expert at this game if we just give them the chance.  Kids are natural game players, and have you ever met a more formidable force than a determined toddler?  I find myself asking myself, "WHY NOT?", quite a lot.  The key is to not only ask yourself the question, but to evaluate your reasons for 'not'.  Are they valid?

For instance, I was doing dishes this evening, and Annabella wanted to help.  Well, any experienced mom knows just how helpful a just turned three year old is with the task of washing dishes.  She also knows the value in facilitating the experience for the child.  So, instead of rejecting her completely, I asked her to move her stool over so I could stand at the sink without acquiring a crazy backache.  Then, I let her watch for a while.  Of course, that didn't last long.  She repeatedly asked to help.  So, I had her go get some of her play dishes that she wanted to wash and set them on the counter.  When I finished my dishes I refilled the sink with warm water, not the scalding stuff I was using, and some bubbles.  I gave her a sponge, and she had fun for a good hour or so.  Then, the resident four year old joined in the fun.  Once the eight year old got involved it started to fall apart a little, but it ended well.  Does it really matter that my floor got wet?  Of course not.  It's one step closer to clean than it was this morning!

Making a train in
the dining room.

There are so many things our kids love to do, and their timing isn't always perfect, but I have been making a concerted effort to really be aware if their request can be honored as opposed to just dismissing it immediately as not doable.  Is there really a good reason, I mean a really good reason, the kids cannot build a fort in the family room?  What about that sleepover they want to do with each other tonight?  Why not?  They want to paint.  Why isn't it a good time for that?  Is there someway their spontaneity can be honored?  If not completely, can there be a compromise made?

When children have the freedom to explore in a way that comes natural to them they are more likely to be happy, independent, and creative problem solvers.  They learn tenacity and gain confidence in themselves.  Teamwork is involved as well as compassion and empathy.

In our home we have taken a slight bend in the road and shifted our focus, for the time being, from primarily academics to a greater concentration on emotions and feelings.  We made (not so for me) calming bottles the other day and learned about anger.  The kids love the bottles and have developed a number of creative uses for them aside from their intended purpose.  If I had to do it over again there are a few things we would do differently, so it was a learning experience for me as well.

All this freedom to explore is preparing the young ones in my home for a summer of exploration.  This will be the girls' second summer here, and there is so much right in our own yard to discover.  I cannot wait to create special areas with them on our property for different activities.  The possibilities are limited only by our creativity.  There is so much that can be done.

Some ideas that intrigue me are:

• Plant a sunflower house.
• Blaze a trail.
• Create an outdoor reading area.
• Build a performance stage.
• Create an outdoor music area.
• Establish a water and sand play area.
• Build a fort.
• Build a tree house.
• Plant a garden
• Establish a natural water exploration area.
• Create bird feeding areas.
• Make a digging area.

Who knows which ones of these will happen this summer, but dreaming and planning is fun.  Without first exploring the ideas, how could they come to fruition.  The kids and I are in the beginning stages of planning and preparing for our garden.  The next step will be to explore the above ideas together, and determine which ones are most appealing to us and make a plan to make them happen.  It will be a little easier to plan and explore these ideas once the snow melts.  (It's so deep right now that I can't even walk through it.) Then we can get outside and survey our property to determine the best locations and maybe even come up with more ideas.

Loss of Power

I have shared Scott Noelle's writing here previously, and this particular bit touches on something that I have been thinking a lot about over the past year or so. I will share my thoughts after the article:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

Reminder: Early registration for the Rethinking Education conference and family fun fest, featuring Scott Noelle and others, will end in 7 days! See:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/rethinking-education

:: Pushing Buttons ::

When toddlers get a hold of computer keyboards, telephones, or any other gadgetry, they go wild pushing buttons! They're driven to discover the magical powers at their fingertips.

At any age, children are driven to push their parents' "buttons" too! Not because they're "naughty" but for two reasons:

1. They need to know what's there -- to map the emotional terrain and keep the map up to date.

2. It's an efficient way to get their parents' heightened attention *and* feel more powerful.

When your child pushes your buttons, s/he's doing you a favor: revealing that you've given your power away to the triggering behavior or conditions.

When you de-activate your buttons -- consciously choosing to stay Connected and Present, regardless of conditions and behavior -- you reclaim your Authentic Power! You cease to be someone who can be controlled like a mindless machine.

And your child will lose interest in the buttons you've de-activated, especially if you're also helping him or her find better ways to feel powerful.

http://dailygroove.net/pushing-buttons

--> Get "The Daily Groove" BOOK!
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/book

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2009 by Scott Noelle


The first phrase that got my attention was, "When your child pushes your buttons, s/he's doing you a favor: revealing that you've given your power away to the triggering behavior or conditions." I have acknowledged the need in my own life to have better control over myself in situations that are less than desirable for me. I have family members that are intense, and I can be as well. It is my honest and true desire to remain grounded in any confrontational situation.

That being said, I struggle with keeping my cool in all situations. Some times are easier than others. Certain things may be a factor like being over tired, in pain, or distracted. In such circumstances it is easier to speak without thinking first. However, in no circumstance is it ever effective to let someone know that it is not okay for them to speak to you in a certain way while you, yourself are not using a level tone. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I continue to struggle with thinking before I speak and maintaining a calm and controlled voice in ALL circumstances. I do pray about this, and I have made it a priority to learn how to NOT be ruled by my emotions.

Taking this a step further it is also my goal to not let the mood of someone else determine how I feel. If someone is frustrated, sad, angry, impatient, you name it, I desire for it to be second nature for me not to react emotionally. Just because someone else is having a rough moment does not mean that I need to succumb to their emotional state and join in their misery. There is no reason that I should not be able to maintain a level head and heart. However, I still struggle with this, and I find it even more frustrating than than the first mentioned dilemma.

Personally, I had never thought of it the way that Scott put it in reference to giving your power away. I can plainly see that that is precisely what we are doing when we react in such unsavory ways. I am even more determined than ever to become centered to a point that this is no longer a struggle for me. There is no reward in being out of control or hot headed.

Have any of you taken this journey? Are you still struggling? Have you mastered the art of staying level and calm in all situations? What have you learned? What are you willing to share? Wisdom, experience, and insight is desired. So, share with us oh wise and faithful readers!

Getting Along

Relationships sure are work! I have been known to say that if we really knew what marriage was all about none of us would ever say, "I do." Why is it that no one really gets clued in on how to be in a healthy relationship?

As I've gotten older it has come to my attention that there are a few very important things that get left out of our so called education; healthy communication - especially in regard to marriage and parenting, personal finances, and death. How is it that we spend the first 20 years of our lives trying to grow up and become independent, yet there is no one there guiding us in the most important aspects of our life here on earth?

I am sure there are a few people out there that maybe received a beneficial education on the above aspects of life, maybe a few more were educated on one or two of the facets, but it is my belief that the majority of us come up from infancy ill equipped for much of anything. Sure, we may learn a trade, gain an inheritance, or have access to a higher education, but do we really have any clue what to do with it?

Personally, I have taken it upon myself to become educated in the areas that are most important to me. This likely came about from my unschooling journey with my children. What a better life it is when we are following our inner calling. If something is interesting, explore it with gusto. When you discover a certain something to have value in your life take it in with passion. There is so much information at our fingertips. Surely there is a resource available for just about anything we may feel we are lacking or desire to have more knowledge about or experience with. What was that old saying? "Where there's a will, there's a way."

I have taken it upon myself to become educated in communication with my husband and my children, primarily. Certainly other areas of my life will benefit. Communication is so challenging, frustrating even. I remember having a discussion with my oldest son in regard to just exactly what did self-control mean. His take was that he was directing his actions so that was self-control. I am striving for the bigger picture. The space where I am conscious in my life and in control of my emotions and behavior. For those of you that have never really made this a priority, I assure you it is likely the most challenging thing to do. It really gives you a new perspective on that whole, "What would Jesus do?" push.

When we truly take the time to think about our reactions, control our tone of voice, see things from the perspective of someone else, choose not to speak, or think before opening our mouths, WOW...what a practice in self-control!