Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Little More Centered

You remember my intro, right? "My life is full...sometimes too full." Well, I am certain that I was feeling the pressures closing in on me yesterday. I feel a bit better this morning after much prayer and a little rest. I could have used more sleep, but then when would I get everything completed?

I think the youngest son and I have come to a compromise. At least he's willing to meet me half way. I don't know how enthused he is about it, honestly, but a change was needed. I am all for unschooling and freedom. However, with that comes responsibility and respect, believe it or not. That aspect was lacking, and he seemed to be crying out. The way things were before was only stressing him out and he was becoming depressed. Our new plan seems to give what is needed to all involved. We'll see how it works.

As moms we wear many hats, do we not? It is difficult to keep them all balanced under normal circumstances let alone when one hat gets completely off balance. The rest of them begin to teeter, and if we're not careful they all come tumbling down. That is exactly where I was/am at. I say it that way because I have begun to straighten them out, but I do still have more that need attention.

I have another pressing situation that I get to deal with this morning. It is tough in a different way as it has to do with caring for one of my grands. We have struggled with picking up the slack in regard to him and really have to watch to make sure business is getting taken care of where he is concerned. His mom and us have an agreement that has been breached over and over again. The point comes when one has to determine just where and how to draw the line. This is a case where I am being taken advantage of and my time is not being respected. So, we get to talk today when he gets dropped off. More fun stuff.

I just long to purge. I long for my time. I long to not have so many people needing me so much. I long to pursue my dreams. I long to take care of myself. It seems as if those around me will never reach the level of self-sufficiency to totally set me free. My entire life has been dedicated to the care and keeping of others. I am just so tired. It is my hope that this new approach to our time will give us all the guidance and freedom that we so desperately need and desire.

I have such respect for people that live their lives totally and completely in service to others without regard to self. I honestly do not know how they maintain their sanity. I am trying so hard to focus on my relationship with God and not dwell on anything else. However, I am still the one responsible for my life. God can only act through me if I act. We cannot expect Him to be present and active in our lives if we are passive observers. We need to participate. I am trying to learn how to be an active participant in my life that is led by the Lord.

The picture that I chose to mark this post fits perfectly with how I feel. I do feel centered and grounded while at the same time stretched in all directions. Is it possible to function in a healthy manner for a sustained amount of time while feeling in such a state? Is it good? Is it bad? Only time will tell.

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