It's a Hard Knocks Life

Life can be so strange. So, what's new, right? There have been so many blessings of late. Avery's adoption was final May 7th, and we held his dedication at church on June 5th. Business is good at our transmission shop. We're not getting rich or anything, but God is blessing us with enough to meet and exceed our needs and have some left over to help others. Our family is healthy physically, and the mental stuff isn't really too much to handle. Nothing is really, truly over the top at the current moment.

However, things do have a way of never leveling off. Our normal is just a little too crazy for me. It really can be exhausting. I find it difficult, if not impossible, to adjust to our lifestyle even after 14 years. It's just crazy! All my life I have sought peaceful and stable. Well, I've achieved, at least currently, financial stability, but emotional stability is another story. Things are always so chaotic. There is always such need, and it's me that is always needed. There is not one person in our entire family that divides themselves up the way that I do, and I am exhausted. It really does get to be too much.

I would SO love to just focus on the people living in my home, but I am always needed by those living outside of my home. Every time I think I've arrived, something else comes a long to suck away my time. Then, to top it all off there is continuous strife between the hubby and I. The poor guy takes everything, and I do mean everything, personally. That is exhausting...for the both of us. I honestly do not know how he lives with himself when everything is such a big deal. I seriously could not cope with that intensity of emotion. No thank you!

My newest endeavor is to learn how to accept my husband the way he is and how to not react to his intense emotion. Talk about challenging! I seriously do not know how to do that. I have been praying about it, but I still have a long way to go. This is a major "baby step" project that feels like it will take an eternity to accomplish. I so desire it, though!

There is no way that we can raise Avery the way that we desire if we do not get things under control between the two of us. The problem is that I sincerely do not know how to go about it. I can tell you that I have no desire to read ANOTHER relationship book. Counseling is a thing of the past. I doubt I could get him to do that again, and I'm not sure the real benefit other than having an impartial party there to mediate communication. I do miss that aspect of counseling to be sure. Our counselor moved south to work in the prison system. Maybe he was the crazy one.

Maybe I can locate a bible study that would aid me in this department. Any suggestions? I think I may look at the Women of Faith studies. I've done two of them that I really enjoyed. I'd love ideas of you all have any.

Waxed and Wounded

I have been experiencing vertigo for about a month and a half now. It's exhausting to say the least. It happened to me again yesterday evening on my way to the chiropractor while I was driving. Can you say, "bad trip"? It was the most horrible experience ever. I sure hope this gets under control soon. I actually had to have my husband come and pick me up, because there was no way I could drive myself home. It's amazing that I made it there to begin with. I cannot believe how much it sapped out of me. That is the part of me that is "waxed".

Now, to the "wounded" part. Maybe some of you can enlighten me on spousal communication. I have been feeling under attack from my husband for way too long now. It has to have been months. It is really taking a tole on me and totally messing with my head. Remember? I am already "waxed"! Now, I have to deal with this on top of it. The horrible part is that he shows no sign of easing up, and he doesn't get it at all.

Every time I turn around I'm just going about my business, and the next thing I know he's lashing out at me. I feel sucker punched on a daily basis. For example, we were leaving for church this morning. The prearranged plan was for our daughter to drive the boys, and hubby would take me to the chiropractor before we headed there ourselves. Our daughter needed to make it to an appointment after church, so we would be bringing the boys home with us. This means that we needed to drive a vehicle that had enough seats. That would be the Camaro, not the work van which only seats two, including the driver.

When we went to leave, he headed for the van. In a completely normal, everyday voice I asked, "I thought we were taking the Camaro." He turned around and started yelling at me. I was totally shocked. Well, maybe not totally, because I am, unfortunately, getting used to this kind of treatment. He had an ulterior motive for wanting to drive the van and had totally dismissed our earlier conversation without saying anything to me about it.

So, in an attempt to dissuade his anger, I offered a solution that allowed us to drive the van and gave the boys are ride home from church. Everyone should have been happy, right? Well, I guess that's in another world, because it wasn't in mine. After we got in the van he went on the attack again. He proceeded to tell me how we need to quit nit-picking each other and quit being so critical. I was totally confused and VERY frustrated.

See? I've had about my fill of all I can take of this. Honestly, no exaggeration, this is a daily occurrence. At least once per day he gets angry with me for something I say, tells me how I'm letting him down, and criticizes me over something. I'd had it. So, I told him just that in so many words, and I also let him know that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I also asked him what I did, and I swear this was his response. He said that I should have said, "I didn't know we were taking the van." Can anyone enlighten me as to how this is any different or better than was I actually said? Please! He could not tell me when I asked.

We've not discussed this further. It's how we started our day, and it's where it stayed. Nothing resolved. I cannot keep up like this, but I do not know what to do to change it.

My prayer today was that I would never again raise my voice to my husband, no matter what. I know that I will fail at this initially, but I do think it is a viable goal with some practice and dedication. I am currently doing the study, Power of a Praying Wife, with a good friend. I really pray it helps. I don't know how to deal with this. It is VERY exhausting!

Getting Along

Relationships sure are work! I have been known to say that if we really knew what marriage was all about none of us would ever say, "I do." Why is it that no one really gets clued in on how to be in a healthy relationship?

As I've gotten older it has come to my attention that there are a few very important things that get left out of our so called education; healthy communication - especially in regard to marriage and parenting, personal finances, and death. How is it that we spend the first 20 years of our lives trying to grow up and become independent, yet there is no one there guiding us in the most important aspects of our life here on earth?

I am sure there are a few people out there that maybe received a beneficial education on the above aspects of life, maybe a few more were educated on one or two of the facets, but it is my belief that the majority of us come up from infancy ill equipped for much of anything. Sure, we may learn a trade, gain an inheritance, or have access to a higher education, but do we really have any clue what to do with it?

Personally, I have taken it upon myself to become educated in the areas that are most important to me. This likely came about from my unschooling journey with my children. What a better life it is when we are following our inner calling. If something is interesting, explore it with gusto. When you discover a certain something to have value in your life take it in with passion. There is so much information at our fingertips. Surely there is a resource available for just about anything we may feel we are lacking or desire to have more knowledge about or experience with. What was that old saying? "Where there's a will, there's a way."

I have taken it upon myself to become educated in communication with my husband and my children, primarily. Certainly other areas of my life will benefit. Communication is so challenging, frustrating even. I remember having a discussion with my oldest son in regard to just exactly what did self-control mean. His take was that he was directing his actions so that was self-control. I am striving for the bigger picture. The space where I am conscious in my life and in control of my emotions and behavior. For those of you that have never really made this a priority, I assure you it is likely the most challenging thing to do. It really gives you a new perspective on that whole, "What would Jesus do?" push.

When we truly take the time to think about our reactions, control our tone of voice, see things from the perspective of someone else, choose not to speak, or think before opening our mouths, WOW...what a practice in self-control!