Lessons in Life

Well, I've grown to learn that the only bad mistake is one that I didn't learn from, and I've been doing a lot of learning lately. Most of it centers around my children and the silver spoon they think is in their mouth. I couldn't be more fed up with the middle class snobs I seem to have raised. How does that happen, anyway?

I grew up poor. No question about it. I've got plenty of vivid memories to remind me. There was a clothes dryer and refrigerator in my bedroom because our house was so small. We got everything we needed for the year at Christmas from my mom saving her change all year. I started working at 11 doing babysitting jobs and held a job with a check ever since I was 14 years old. I was a teen mom that had my own apartment in high school and graduated with my class. I was editor-in-chief of the yearbook, student of the month, and held down a job while raising my baby and attending high school. I went to college and business school. I was a single mom for years. I worked my way up in life. Sometimes it seems all for not.

How is it that two working class citizens with strong work ethics and a descent set of morals can raise such ignorant, ungrateful, self-centered, clueless children? It is a question that won't soon be answered for me, I am sure. I've got four girls out of the house and on their own all taking the hard way, in no uncertain terms.

All of our children were offered the same opportunity. Stay at home, work and go to school, save your money, buy a car, and step out on the right foot with a bankroll and a solid investment portfolio to hold you up. I was so proud to have the means to offer this to SEVEN children when it couldn't even be considered for me as a child. Do you know that not a one of those four girls took us up on it? Not a one! They all have children and are single moms. None of them have graduated college, save one that went to business school. They are all making terrible decisions that go against anything we have ever advised, taught, or modeled. Guess who they want to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces when it all blows up in their faces? What no guesses? Oh, I'm sure you'll get it on the first try. It couldn't be more obvious.

Why is it that these children, young adults now, think they are owed so much and do not have a clue about working hard and respecting the fact that their parents are out there working hard. They have to support one child, except the one that just had twins, and we support seven children and six grandchildren. Granted the burden has lightened with less mouths to feed on a daily basis, but I'd rather be feeding them than dealing with all the bologna they've been slicing. The way I see it the middle class lifestyle spoiled them. They'd have been better off to have been brought up with nothing. It's not like just one of them doesn't get it. All of our girls have their heads somewhere that does not provide enough oxygen for clear thinking.

I have to say that I am not a fan of parenting adult children. The good thing is that hubby and I are learning that we don't really care to do anything much other than nod and smile at this point. After this last deal is done no one better come a calling, because the shop is closed. Quite literally. They have taken advantage of us so much that we don't even want to help with the smallest of things. I'm so disgusted with them all that I can scarcely look at them. It's all I can muster to carry on a conversation. I'll spare you all the gory details, but I am not out of line here. Rest assured. When it gets to the point that good gestures and helping hands are taken for granted then it's time for those hands to let go.

Just to add insult to injury the youngest girl, 19 years old, that is at home, working, going to college, and failing all her classes. Talk about a frustrating year. She graded herself right out of any hopes of financial aide or mom and dad footing the bill any longer. This isn't from lack of ability by any stretch. It's from lack of effort, and that is just disheartening. Now, she needs to determine just what it is that she plans to do. This may no longer be her residence by the end of the summer. It wouldn't surprise me in the least, and so be it. I'm not losing any sleep over it anymore. We have handed her the world on a silver platter, and she spit on it as far as I'm concerned. It's frustrating, but it seems she may need to take a course at the school of hard knocks, and I've learned enough to be okay with that.

The boys are okay so far. I still have to kick them in the butt to get their school work done, but they watch their sisters and just don't get it at all. Hopefully, their ambitions stay ambitious, and their drive stays in gear. Otherwise, we'll have some more casualties at the Smith household, and I don't know how much more I can take. I've reached a state of numb. There's nothing like kids to make you feel like a failure even though you know you gave it your all and provided them with a golden opportunity.

The toughest lesson to learn is that you are not responsible for the decisions your children make. It's the whole, "You can lead a horse to water..." thing in full swing. I led them. I flashed neon signs. I sent up smoke signals. I chartered aerial banners. I purchased billboards. I led the fight, but they didn't follow. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make them drink.

Keeping My Word

It seems I spend my life learning lessons. I fully accept and acknowledge that as a good thing. In order for God to be able to use us in any capacity He must refine us. It is just part of the process.

I do not know about any of you other parents out there, but I seem to learn a lot of lessons through my children. There are so many parallels that can be made in the process of raising children. For me, God seems to point out His challenges and triumphs with us as I watch my children grow and learn. It is even more evident in my struggles and challenges trying to assist them in that process.

Making mistakes is unavoidable and imperative. It is a very good thing to make a mistake. There is ALWAYS something to be learned through mistakes. We must make mistakes, and many of them, in order to become a well educated, bright, and balanced individual. Our lives will be spent making and learning from our mistakes, and the more conscious we are throughout the process the easier it goes. Have you ever noticed that we repeat things over and over again until we get it? God never gives up on us, and that is completely cool. So, if we pay attention, we may not need to repeat so many lessons. What an awesome thing it is to get it the first time!

All choices have consequences. Good choices generally have good consequences, and less than desirable choices have generally uncomfortable consequences. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, remember? We do reap what we sow whether or not it is obvious at the moment. There is just no getting around it. Absolutely 100% of our actions have consequences. Period.

This has become even more evident to me in my parenting challenges with our youngest son. He is 15 years old. I would not like to be that age again, and I am glad that he is our last to go through this right of passage. We've all been there. It is a tough age, no doubt about it. Not only is it tough to be a 15 year old. It is also challenging to parent a 15 year old. There is so much going on at that age. When we are 15 we are actively building the bridge to adulthood. We think we are grown and know all there is to know. We desire our independence. Yet, we require guidance. It takes a thoughtful and strong parent, and child, to make it through.

Based on my experience as a previous 15 year old, having raised six other children that once were also 15 years old, and my current experience with this particular 15 year old I have learned some things. There is also plenty left to learn. That is, providing that we both make it through alive!

What I am discovering now more than ever is that it is imperative for me to keep my word. It is also imperative that I assist him in keeping his. This is no time to be lax, and it is so out of my comfort zone. Do you ever just hate being the parent? I have a "daughter" mug that my mom got me years ago. Sometimes when I just want to be the "daughter" and nothing else, I make myself a cup of tea in that mug. It sounds silly, but it really is soothing. There is nothing wrong with make believe especially when you are an overworked, under paid, full grown human being. Sometimes we just need an out, and that is a simple passage.

Today, I take a stand. I take a stand for my word. I take a stand as a parent and life guide. Today, I honor my obligation to myself, my son, and my God. I cannot say I am thrilled about it, but there is peace in knowing that I am choosing to do right, and good consequences will follow for myself as well as others. That is something that we sometimes fail to consider. What are the ramifications of my actions for not just myself, but also for others? This is something well worth thinking about. Take a moment to ponder for yourself.