Internal Turmoil

As I've grown older and more experienced there is one factor in life that I easily recognize as a great contributor to stress, anxiety, and internal turmoil.  It causes one to question natural instincts, beliefs, decisions and even relationships.  What could be so powerful an influence in life?  Why, guilt of course!  The area I notice the effects of guilt on my life the most is church attendance.  You wouldn't believe the guilt trip I lay on myself when I make the agonizing decision to stay home as opposed to attend church on any given Sabbath.

Honestly, I am not really sure the source of the guilt.  What string of events have been tied together to lead me to this seemingly uncontrollable reaction to the simple choice to stay home on Sabbath rather than attend church service at my home church?  Over the years I have experienced seasons in my life where there seemed more gained physically, spiritually, and emotionally by spending a relaxing Sabbath at home reading, watching sermons on television or the computer, spending time with family, or even out in my garden.  Not to mention the occasional events that take you out of town or just conflict with the timing of church service.  It has been my experience that going with these seasons and/or moments is highly beneficial to myself as well as those around me that I love and care about, but I don't ever fully gain the benefit due to the underlying existence of that dreaded emotion, guilt.

Our latest challenge to church attendance has been the addition to new life in our family and the state of extreme exhaustion that follows as well as the change in daily life that is inevitable with a new family member.  I have learned so much having a new little one, and it seems my newest lesson is to learn how to work through guilt and not let it have power in my life.  What a challenge!

Guilt saps joy even in joyful circumstances.  It's like it has a grip strongly wrapped around your innermost being.  How uncomfortable is that?  Through prayer and concerted effort, along with a conscious decision to learn how to eliminate self-inflicted guilt from my life, I praise God that I am learning how to loose myself from guilt's talons.  It is quite possibly the most challenging thing I've tried to do, especially when it comes to the simple choice of staying home from church.  Part of the reason it is so important to me to learn how to be comfortable with who I am and the decisions I make, aside from the fact that guilt is a powerful, negative emotion, is that the underlying motivation of guilt is our innate concern as to what others think of us or our actions.  Isn't that what guilt really is; worrying about what others think of us?  Seems so to me.

So, why is it that I am so concerned about other's judgement when it comes to my attendance of church.  Shouldn't it matter most to me the state of my relationship with Christ?  Shouldn't my walk with God, my prayer life, and my commitment to serving God to the best of my ability be at the forefront?  The bible does say to not forsake our own gathering together (Hebrews 10:25).  Does this strictly refer to church attendance?  Is there more than one way to gather together?  What about family bible study, group study, meetings with friends, email discussion, or phone conversations?  If we are continually striving toward a closer relationship with God and taking the time to connect with others, does that fit the bill? 

It seems to me that the passage in Hebrews is more of a warning.  Holing oneself up, and never communicating with others, is a dangerous place to put ourselves.  Without the fellowship of others how would we truly learn and grow as individuals, let alone Christians?  As humans, interaction with other is key to our health, both emotional and physical.  We need each other.  How else would we learn empathy and service?  How would we be challenged?  Who would lift us up in our darkest times?  I would go so far as to venture to say that our relationships with each other are just as important as our relationship with Christ, as it is by our interactions with each other that we represent and experience the love of Christ in our daily lives. 

I am going to continue to strive toward a guilt free relationship with church.  It will not be easy, as it seems deep rooted, but I want my heart to pull me there through a longing to learn and share not a condemnation of doing something wrong if I'm not there.  To everything there is a season, and time to every purpose under Heaven...(Ecclesasties 3:1-8)

Friday Farmgirls: MIA

It's been so long since I've been on here that Blogger has a lot of new publishing features.  I guess I have a little to learn.  So many post ideas have come and gone through my mind over the past several months.  It is refreshing to have graduated from having "baby brain" to being able to think clearly.  If only I could write posts in my head and have them publish directly to my blog.  Then, I would surely accomplish a lot.

So much has happened while I've been MIA from here.  I really miss writing and am making baby steps in the effort to regain some order in my day.  It's kind of funny.  It had been on my To Do List for several weeks to make a daily plan in an attempt to start accomplishing something more substantial from day to day.  Well, I finally created the plan, and there it sits having not been implemented since its creation.  That will give you an idea of how things have been over the past few months.

Where do I even begin to catch you up to speed?  God blessed us with the sale of our house in December.  We actually signed the papers on December 23rd.  Quite a gift in my book!  We were able to sell on a short sale with no promissory note, free and clear, and remain in our home as renters while we look for another home.  It's amazing the way everything played out.  I still can't believe it.  Also, we didn't really take a hit on our credit.  Truly a miracle the way everything went through.  I thank God every day for the opportunity He has give us.  It just feels so freeing!

Currently, we are finally searching for our country home.  I am SO excited!  I do have to say that I have a real understanding of the term "house hunting" as you actually do feel like you are hunting.  We have been looking at literally hundreds of homes online and have walked through a few.  There are two more that we plan to view next week.  This is such an adventure.  I am constantly amazed at how something like this can so powerfully change your perspective in so many ways.

For one, I am ever amazed at the power of God to lead when you are willing to step back and allow Him room to work.  Totally powerful!  Even at home, it was super weird at first to remain living in our home of nearly 20 years knowing that we no longer owned it.  Totally bazaar.  Now, we're pretty used to the arrangement.  The way I look at everything has changed; the blooms on the lilac bush at the start of spring, the tree that died on the boulevard, the broken awning on the back deck, the creaking in the upstairs floor, the ants that have taken up residence in my kitchen.  Everything, somehow, has taken on a new pallor.   It's nice to step back and allow myself to soak in my surroundings and relish the final moments in the home where we raised five our our children to adulthood, raised two to near adulthood, and welcomed a new child into the fold.  Not to mention the countless family gatherings, birthday parties, and other celebrations, the family nights, pizza parties, and game nights, the tears, the victories, conquered fears, and family dinners.  Our world is indeed changing.

Although it may have appeared that my life stopped as I remained MIA from The Zoo Crew reality is a whole different story.  Life has been changing at warp speed.  I have been experiencing a metamorphosis of sorts.  Let's just say that God finally got my attention on a very key component of my life.  For many years I have held dreams in my heart of working with teens, traveling within the U.S. to work with under privileged youth and families, visiting India and Bolivia where I sponsor children through Compassion and doing mission work there, volunteering in my community, and holding positions at church working with the youth.  These are all worthy aspirations, and I have done a few, but God keeps pointing me home, even after years and years of my inattention to His leading He persisted.  Now, I listened, and you just cannot imagine the freedom and peace that have followed.  My mind is clear and uncluttered, and there is so much more of me available for those I love.  My calling is my family, and I am finally listening.  All of my "hats" have officially been hung to rest.  Now, my only titles are Mom, Nana, Wife, and Child of God.  It feels amazing!

All of this, I believe, is preparing me for the next phase of life.  There will be so many new things to learn.  I have been a city girl with a heart for the country my entire life.  I have finally gotten out of the way, and God is leading me home.  It is SO exciting!  I find myself pondering the differences and what might lie in store.  The most obvious one for me aside from the slower pace of life will be the amount of grass that needs cutting during the summer months.  It's almost comical.  Our lawn is so small that it takes maybe 10 minutes to cut, and I am 100% certain that will not be the case in our new home.  Plus, there will be room and time for gardening and preserving food.  This will involve plenty of trial and error to be sure.  Then, there will be the totally different experience of raising a boy in the country as opposed to the seven other children that were fully raised in the city.  Talk about different worlds!  There is also the possibility of raising some type of farm animal along the way and involvement in 4-H, which totally intrigues me.  Then there's the different sounds, energy levels, and a more silent home as the final two of our "second batch" of children spread their wings and enter adulthood.  So much change is afoot!

Avery's First Year

Our little man has been with us for one year today. Hard to believe that much time has gone by already. I thought you might enjoy a peek at Avery's first year in photos:

 In the nursery at birth.  He was there three days due to the chord being wrapped around his neck.



 Two Months

With Amie, our daughter and his bio-mom, at his dedication.

 Three Months

 Four Months

Pat and I with him at the adoption.

 Five Months 

Six Months 

 Seven Months

The first mess!

 Eight Months

Nine Months 

 

10 Months, and the second mess! 

11 Months and loving music! 

One Year Old
 

A New Chapter is Unfolding

Well, 2011 is upon us, and a new world is opening up for the Smith household. We finally did it. We sold our house on December 23rd. It was a process that lasted several months and was by no means forced along by either of us. We put it in God's hands, and things just kind of happened. Isn't it cool when you get to experience something like that? I love the feel of God at work. It's so freeing!

We sold our house on a short sale to an investor. In my perspective it was a true work of God. We were not behind on our mortgage or in any type of financial trouble. Our main objective was to have the freedom to be able to move. I consider it a miracle that we were approved. It's awesome the way things worked out. We could not have asked for a better deal. Due to the fact that the purchaser was an investor we have been afforded the opportunity to stay put and rent our home, saving $500 per month, while we look for our new home. Also, since our financial situation was a good one, and our credit score was good, we will not have to wait any length of time to be able to purchase another home. Can you say, AWESOME!?

I don't believe I have ever felt such peace in the middle of such change. It was a little anxiety inducing right at the end, but knowing everything is in God's hands just smoothed it all away for me. It also doesn't hurt knowing that we are one giant step closer to landing our much desired country home. It is so exciting to know that within the next year or so we will be looking out our window peeking in on God's wilderness. It is down right miraculous!

My prayers include things like praying that God finds the perfect family to be blessed by our home when we are ready to leave it, praying that we are put in a new situation that will better position us to be a blessing to others, and that God will open the rest of the doors in much the same way as he did for the sale of our home. It really is my desire for others to be blessed by the decisions we make and the positions God puts us in. Is there really any other reason so worth living than to be the love of Christ to others? I can think of none.

January will mark many milestones for me. The first begins a new year. The eighth is my 40th birthday. The 21st will see the birth of our eighth grandchild. The 26th will mark Avery's first year on this earth. Also, in January I will begin simplifying our home. We will begin to purge the things that brought us through the end of 2010 to make room for the blessings of things to come in and beyond 2011. I am so excited to be ridding our home of any and all unnecessary possessions. We've done it before, and I plan to be even more radical this time. Seems odd to think that the time when moving boxes, packing tape, and permanent markers will consume our days is just around the corner...closer than ever before.

When it finally is time to pack up and go we will be leaving behind the childhood home of our children. A few of them remember calling nowhere else home. It will be sad and exciting all in the same moment. Change is good. It induces growth and gratitude. I look forward to the experience despite the things I will miss. There will be more than just memories to leave behind. Our life has been here for around 15 years. (For my husband, close to 20.) We will be leaving all that is familiar to embark on a journey of discovery. School, church, the library, home school groups, neighbors, and the comforting sense of the familiar will become a thing of the past.

It is my prayer that I will keep my heart and mind open to God's leading and prompting always seeing the blessings in every experience, both good and bad. I wait in anticipation, without fear, for my God is with me.

Sprouting Soles Giveaway!

I L-O-V-E Sprouting Soles baby shoes! My daughter and I have both been fortunate to have each won a pair of her lovingly made shoes for our little ones. Avery likes his so much that they are in the washing machine right now. Here's a picture of the little guy sporting his new soles:

Here's the information on the contest:

Let the fun begin! Here's your chance to get a FREE pair of Sprouting Soles infant/toddler shoes AND a FREE reusable sandwich bag!!!! Your choice of shoes, any size, any of the below 5 shoes.

ATTENTION to ANYONE who has an infant or toddler OR perhaps your neighbor just had a baby, a lady at your church has a crawler, your neice, granddaughter, or best friend. If this is you - REGISTER!

This registration will consist of several chances to get your name entered multiple times (up to 5 entries per person):

1.) Fan my Facebook & heart my Etsy store. Heart your favorite item in my shop! Return to my Sprouting Soles Facebook site & list your first name, email address, & what item you hearted. This will get you your FIRST entry into the give away (Melissa=Versailles=melmarbrown@gmail.com).

2.) Paste link (below) on your Facebook & come back posting a link. This will get you

your SECOND entry into the drawing. (don't forget to tell me who you are)

http://www.facebook.com/notes/sprouting-soles-baby-shoes/free-shoes-lunch-bag-give-away-registration-ends-midnight-nov-4th/10150123089864409

3) Mention this give away & link (above) on your Tweet & come back posting a link. This will get you a THRID entry.

4.) Mention this give away & link (above) on your Blog or on someone elses blog & come back posting a link. This will get you a FOURTH entry.

5.) Mention this give away & post the link (above) on a friend's page & come back posting the link to their page. This will get you a FIFTH entry.

Obviously the more you do the more chances you have of winning! Good luck to all!

I will announce the winner Friday, November 5th via email & on Facebook.