Old Habits Die Hard

It would appear that I need to revisit the topic of boundaries. Determining, establishing, and enforcing all seem to be an ongoing issue for me. As my best friend has told me before, "You are just too capable!" Sometimes I wish I wasn't so capable. Then, maybe everyone wouldn't expect so much from me.

On the topic of expectations, there has been a quote running through my head rather frequently as of late, "Expectations are the surest path to disappointment." See, not only do others have expectations of me, I also have expectations for myself as well as expectations of others. It seems that not only can I disappoint myself, I can also bring disappointment upon myself by expecting things from others.

My family can be SO demanding, and I really struggle with this fact. It is difficult for me to balance my needs with the needs of those around me. It is overwhelming. There are always so many things beckoning for my attention. There's the house, the kids, my husband, church, community, business, friendships, extended family members, personal interests, and self maintenance. That's just the short list. As a mom it can be quite overwhelming when you realize just how many hats you really wear. Sometimes a reevaluation of commitments is in order. With the addition of our new little guy I find myself in serious need of reevaluating my commitments and priorities. This is a good and healthy thing for us to do from time to time.

I have come to learn over the years that we can be our own worst critic. Sometimes the greatest pressures put on us are self inflicted. It is a good idea and even necessary for us to cut ourselves some slack time and again. As Americans our lifestyle can be so out of balance. Priorities can get way out of focus, and the wrong things become important. As a perfectionist this was a very difficult lesson for me to learn, but my family aided me well in the process. I am pretty much the only perfectionist in my home. This means that I live with people that are not bothered by crumbs on the counter or a floor that doesn't sparkle. Layers of dust go unnoticed, and a dirty refrigerator is the last of anyone's worried. Let alone a mirror covered in streaks. Seriously, this goes unnoticed by everyone. Everyone, that is, but me.

See, I notice these things. The difference now is that I don't let them stress me out. I have grown to realize that quality time with my family and fostering close relationships wins out every time over having a home that could grace the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. Although, deep down inside I would love to have both. Despite my natural tendencies I have learned to not let a very lived in home ruin my day or ability to spend time with my family. Certain things will never change, though. I do still need to clean the kitchen before I cook or scrub the tub before I soak in it, but that's on me. What a different world it would have been had I learned this flexibility when all of my children were young.

Now, for a reality check. I do have commitments looming. In some way it is necessary for me to put a new plan in place. Life as I know it has been redefined. There is a new little man in our lives that takes precedence over all. It is time for me to learn how to put him first and still honor my commitments. Being out of baby practice does pose it's challenges when it comes to accomplishing things like bookkeeping, tax preparation, Adventurer planning, bulletin editing, and volunteer commitments. It's still a juggling act. The balls are just different and falling in a new direction. The trick is learning what to catch first, and I'm well on my way to figuring it out.

Friendship, Health, and Changes

Life seems to throw just as many curve balls as it can at me. It has just always seemed to be that way. I used to think it was normal. It seems to me now that it is just my normal. I used to long for a more laid back life, but I do not believe that is what God has intended for me, at least not right now. Sometimes I wonder just what it is that He is training me to be prepared for. I often feel that it must be big. I have gotten to a point where there really isn't anything that phases me anymore. How could it?

It would seem that, if nothing else, I have learned how to take things in stride. This does not mean, however, that I do not get overwhelmed or worn out at times. Trust me. I do, and I am teetering on the brink right now. Honestly, I am just so stinkin' tired. I feel like I need a vacation; big time!

We always seem to spend our time transitioning from one thing, or two or three, to another. It has gotten to a point that weekends are not even a refuge or place of relaxation. Sabbath just isn't long enough for me to recuperate. I honestly need a couple weeks of doing nothing to heal. That will come, but not soon enough.

My plate is very full, and some of the things going on right now are emotionally draining. We were just coming to terms with the fact that our pastor and his wife, whom we consider friends, will be moving to Lansing to work at the Conference Office when we learned that "Mrs. Pastor" has been diagnosed with leukemia. She is now in Texas receiving the best care in the nation, praise God!

We are also making an effort and commitment to changing things in our relationship in connection with our relationship to each other, God, and our children. This is a big undertaking that we seem to have to fight for. With demands on each of us so taxing and time consuming the undertaking seems impossible. It is not enough to make the commitment. It is not enough to have the desire. It is not enough to talk about and plan for it. We actually have to fight to make it happen. A month's time has now passed since the boys and I committed fully to the keeping of the Sabbath together. Every Sabbath something has interfered on some level with our intention and plans. In the same way, my husband and I came back from the marriage commitment weekend with desires and ambitions for change. Not one has happened. The enemy is strong and works hard to trip us up. We have to be stronger and fight harder to make any progress at all. It is SO challenging.

Another really emotionally taxing thing has been the challenges of raising and relating to my 15 year old. Anyone that has been 15, has a 15 year old, or has had a 15 year old can surely relate. This is such a tough age. So much is happening. We are a child and a young adult all at the same time. We long for independence and guidance both at the same time. Our emotions and hormones are completely out of whack. Life is confusing, challenging, interesting, and frustrating on many levels. It is tough to be 15, and it is tough to peacefully parent a 15 year old.

Then there is the growth rate of our family. I often feel that there is just not enough of me to go around. Our grandchildren are coming at me the same way that our children did, all at once! There is barely time to get to know one, and then there is another, or two, or three. I so want to be a part of the lives of all of our grandchildren. I am uncertain as to how to successfully manage being a Nana and a mom to teens at the same time. If we were not homeschooling this would likely be a little less challenging, but challenging nonetheless.

My health is also a small factor. Yesterday, I went for a biopsy on my right breast. I discovered a tumor there last year. They believe it to be benign, but due to my family and personal history they wanted to play it safe and just make sure there is nothing to be concerned with. It was an interesting and taxing experience. There is now a tiny, titanium, breast cancer ribbon implanted in my breast to mark the tumor letting them know in future exams that that particular tumor has already been biopsied. I also participated in a study that is very interesting. They are doing research on a technique that would take the place of the mammogram. It is awesome, and I hope it is available as an option in the future.

I am also thankful for the friendships that I am forming. I have met some wonderful women over the past few years. The friendships have developed slowly over time, and are now starting to bloom. It is a wonderful gift to have one good friend, and I have had one for over 25 years. She is a sister to me, and I thank God for her frequently. What a special treat it is to make new friends and learn how to be a friend. That can be a challenge for some of us. There are trust issues, time constraints, and other factors.

Life is full of challenges, surprises, and adventurers. What a huge lot this is. Thanks be to God for His presence in my life. I cannot imagine managing any of this without Him. I would surely be lost.